(Those who pay close attention will notice this growing baby boy is using up some of my lung capacity. :0)

(This video can also be found on YouTube here.)

More Information

Posts right here at Not Just Cute:

Roots and Wings: Giving Choices and Setting Boundaries

Time-Outs are for Coaching

A Toddler, a Tantrum, and a Fire Truck.  Lessons from the Trenches.

Keeping Your Cool When Your Kids Lose Theirs

When it comes to child behavior, do you take the time to CARE?
Great posts from other great blogs:

Janet Lansbury {Elevating Childcare}:

What to Do When Toddlers Say NO 

How to Be the Gentle Leader Your Child Needs 

Lisa Sunbury {Regarding Baby}:

What to Say Instead of No.  Six Ways to Gain Your Child’s Cooperation.

Temper Tantrums

Secret to Turning Toddler’s No into Yes

Limit Setting with Toddlers

How about you?  What would you suggest?

Keep sending those questions into questions@notjustcute.com!

Because I follow the brilliant Janet Lansbury on Facebook, I have come across several interesting posts about praise recently.  In one of those, Lisa Sunbury of Regarding Baby shared her thoughts in  Praise Not , a read I would recommend.  All this reading got me thinking about praise.

It can be a tricky subject, the whole debate about praise and rewards.  I’ve posted about it in the past in a panel discussion and I’ve also written about the potential for backfire when we rely too much on praise (see Praise Junkies Beware).

I wrote about it in my ebook, and I teach about it in classes.  It can be a tricky subject to comprehend.  You hear people saying you shouldn’t praise your kids, and suddenly you’re left wondering, “So what can I say?”

I usually explain it by teaching about the difference between encouragement and judgment.  The terminology is less important.  Feel free to call it what you like.  The important thing is how you do it, not what you call it.

Praise and Judgment

Praise becomes a problem when it is administered too liberally, meaninglessly, and generically.  It backfires when it’s used as a label or when children are manipulated or conditioned to seek outward approval.

But a problem arises when adults learn about the down side of praise and ride the pendulum all the way to the other side trying to censor themselves, resisting every urge to say anything that might possibly be kind of sort of like praise.  No more compliments, no more high fives.  That might be taking it a bit far.

There is great power in positive reinforcement, and as I meantioned earlier, it isn’t so much about what you call it, it’s how you do it.  Here are some tips I share in my ebook and classes to help adults recognize how to give encouragement (or effective praise, if that makes you feel better).

Encouragement

I think this quote from Robert Martin draws a great contrast between encouragement and praise:

“Taking an interest in what people are thinking and doing is often a much more powerful form of encouragement than praise.”

Encouragement is more about acknowledging and taking a sincere interest and less about labeling people, efforts, or work with your own judgment.

So back to the question, what do you say?

Be Genuine

Make your comments sincere.  Don’t shovel out accolades for commonplace things.  If you sincerely appreciate how a child carefully hangs up his jacket, say so.  “Thank you for hanging your coat up.  That sure helps keep the cubby area clean.”  But if you dish out overenthused comments children will sniff out your lack of sincerety.  (“Oh, awesome job!  You are the most amazing coat-hanger-upper I’ve ever seen!”)

Be Specific

The generic “Good Job” gives no feedback.  It doesn’t help a child know what behavior you’re referring to.  And, overused, it eventually carries no meaning at all.  Be specific and descriptive with your comments.  Even, “Good listening”  gives less information than, “You sat with your body still and your eyes right on me.  It looked like you were working very hard to listen carefully.”

Avoid Judgement

Be careful about passing out labels.  Responding to a child with “That’s awesome!” seems harmless enough, but handing out such a label may actually reinforce work that the child thinks was sub-par and done with little effort.

Labeling with your own judgment also conditions children to seek their value from the opinions of others.  These pattern of people-pleasing can lead to plenty of struggles down the road.

Ask Them

Instead of emphasizing your opinion, ask what they think.  “Tell me about what you did at circle time today.”  “Tell me about your painting.”  “Wow, you used a lot of blocks in this structure.  Tell me about it.”  All of these comments show genuine interest, allow the child to evaluate his/her own work (which enhances executive functions), and will give you more insight into a child’s thoughts, passions, and capabilities.

Recognize Effort and Progress, Not Just the End Product

When you really think about what you’re encouraging, it isn’t the outcome — the outstanding work, the happy child.  You’re actually trying to encourage the work it takes to get there.  So comment on and take interest in that work. 

“You’ve really stuck with that.  You’re working really hard.”  “It looks like that’s getting a little easier.  You must have been practicing.”

You want children to understand it isn’t about who they are but what they consistently do that’s important.  So genuinely emphasize the actionable work they do, get their input, and be interested without being judgemental.  You’ll find the influence these responses have on the children you love and teach are more effective and more positive for your child’s development.

What do you think?  How do offer encouragement in a healthy way?

Top photo source.

Center photo source.

I attended a staff meeting recently where we discussed the prevalent zero-tolerance policies in schools today, and the trickle down effect it has on preschools.  We had read some interesting articles in advance (which you can find here, here, and here) and used those as a springboard to talk about the variety of policies schools implement to address difficult behaviors. 

These articles compared the popular zero-tolerance policies which lead to suspensions and expulsions on first offenses, to other (highly effective) programs that work to teach, incentivize, and expect positive behaviors.  One seemed to be a reactive approach, the other more proactive.  While the articles primarily addressed the older grades, their application to preschool was easy.

The most recent statistic I’m aware of lists preschool expulsions at a rate THREE times higher than that for grades K-12.  This means there’s a significant number of children out there who have been labeled as too difficult to be included in an environment which should ideally be one of the most capable and well-equipped places for a child to be scaffolded in learning social skills.  If these children are simply sent away, how will their behavior possibly improve?

I’m certainly not advocating for preschool administrators to let children run wild, free of any consequence, but I am sincerely troubled by the question: Where do these kids go next to get the guidance they need?

Zero-Tolerance

I think I get the idea behind zero-tolerance policies.  Set high standards, make them clear, and be consistent in administering serious consequences.  But we are talking about children here.  In NurtureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, the authors point out that a task force from the American Psychological Association has warned against zero-tolerance policies, stating that kids will make mistakes simply because they’re young and their brains are immature and prone to impulsivity.  In fact, the book notes that these zero-tolerance policies may actually be responsible for an increase in anxiety children and a concern by students that they might break the rules “by accident”.

Again, this isn’t a reason to accept inappropriate behavior.  But to link severe punishments, like expulsion, to these age-appropriate mistakes seems to be more about making life easier for the adults, than about serving and teaching the child.

I can understand that schools may want to send the message that they will not “tolerate” certain behaviors.  But will they take the time to teach the child the appropriate behaviors that need to take their place? 

Labeling and Discrimination

I worked recently with a program director who had been under some pressure from a parent to expel another child because of a few biting incidents in the toddler class.  Biting is serious, and scary, but while it isn’t socially appropriate, it is developmentally appropriate.  This director had implemented a plan for addressing and preventing this behavior from recurring and was working vigilantly with the child, her parents, and her teachers to work through this difficult behavior. 

When the director started to get pressure towards this zero-tolerance approach, her response was brilliant.  She respectfully told the protesting parent that the center had a policy against discrimination.  Since the behavior was within the norm for the child’s age, to expel her based on those behaviors would be age discrimination and would violate the center’s policy.

I like the approach demonstrated by the director I cited above.  If a child’s behavior is difficult, but within a normative range, it is our job to help them without discrimination.  If their challenges are beyond the service we’re capable of rendering, we are obligated as professionals to work with their families and to help them acquire the appropriate resources within or beyond our programs.

We would never openly discriminate based on disablities.  We wouldn’t expell a child because she was blind, or dismiss a child because he had cerebral palsy.  If we did not have the proper resources to serve them adequately, we would help them find those resources.  We wouldn’t simply ”punish” them for posing a challenge by kicking them out. 

It’s all too easy to label children as “bad” and “good”, “easy” and “difficult”.  But these labels do nothing to actually serve these children.  When we, as teachers and administrators, go around trying to determine who is easy enough or deserving enough to be included in school, we’re engaging in a very dangerous social experiment.  It’s true, some children need more: more time, more attention, more guidance.  As I often say to my own kids, “Fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing.  Fair means everyone gets what they need.”

A child should never be dismissed for being a ”nuisance”.  It’s our job to teach.  It’s our job to be fair.  It’s our job to help them get what they need.

What are your thoughts?  Should children be expelled from preschool? 

Top photo source.

In the last post, I wrote about the difference between discipline and punishment, an important distinction for positive parenting.

Some observers watch practitioners of positive guidance and in accurately label it as passive parenting.  While positive guidance is anything but passive, I don’t doubt that some people who aspire to positive parenting end up in the passive category by default.  They grasp the first concept — avoiding negative, punitive measures to control child behavior — but fail to build the tools for positive guidance.  To remove the negative, but omit the positive would garner a neutral result.  A passive approach.

In my ebook, Parenting with Positive Guidance, I introduce ten tools for guiding behavior (you can get a sneak peek here).  This is by no means an exhaustive list, but a list of common tools I use almost every day.  Different tools work better with different children and in different seasons. 

Sometimes I find myself repeatedly stating limits and offering choices.  Other times I need to redirect to more appropriate outlets.  In some of my most frustrated moments I made a breakthrough when I finally learned how to appropriately disengage, while in other situations I simply needed to diffuse the moment with some humor.

But one thing remains the same.  When I am more conscious of the tools I have to choose from,  and more aware of my responsibility to guide and teach, I am better able to meet each child and each behavior in a meaningful, personal, effective way.

I’m sure each of you has your own bag of tricks for positively guiding child behavior, and each of us could always stand to add one more to the toolbox.  So I’m asking you to share your secrets.  What is one of your go-to tools for guiding child behavior?  When and how do you use it?  What approaches have surprised you with their effectiveness? 

You never know when your old standard might be just the tool another person’s looking for.

Top photo by Evan.

Each one offers a great perspective to the discussion.  I’d love to have you add your perspective as well!

Joshua Becker

Expectation and Explanation

More than rewards or bribery, our parenting style has focused on expectation and explanation. We have always informed our children what behavior is expected of them and given them the courtesy of explaining clearly why that behavior is expected. Those clear expectations provide the opportunity for both praise (as often as possible) and discipline (when necessary). As a result, bribery is rarely used in our home.

- Joshua Becker writes at   Becoming Minimalist, where he shares the joys and struggles of minimalist living.  He’s also the author of two ebooks, Inside Out Simplicity and Simplify, both available at his blog.   

Kimberley Clayton Blaine

How Rewards or Bribery Can Backfire

Ever wonder why after a few weeks of using a sticker chart, it stops working? Children sense that you’re trying to make them do something and they feel the external push. Children only want to accomplish things successfully when they feel motivated from within. This can turn into a problem because children will do things for the reward or praise and not for themselves. This can stop a child from being self-motivated and can make them be overly dependent on others. When children get used to receiving rewards for behaving, they become pleasers and seekers of outside validation. It can be addicting as well: children can become attention mongers, and thus lose passion for the things they truly love. Children will eventually feel like failures if they can’t get others to make them feel important.

When children are bribed with rewards just for being cooperative, they become experts in performing the ‘dog and pony’ show. They know what to do to get our approval or the treat. It’s easy to be superficially compliant because it doesn’t require much effort.

Studies show that children who expected rewards performed poorly in order to get them as compared to kids who did not expect a reward. And to top it off, children who are given rewards tend to do the least amount required. Most parents want their kids to try hard at any thing they do and to find real fulfillment from within – which clearly rewards do not do.

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ or any absolute answer here. We all know parenting can be quite daunting, so if we slip into rewarding or bribing, it’s not the end of the world. Have compassion for yourself, none of us are perfect parents. Ideally it’s preferable if you are aware of how your child responds best.

Children are born with an enormous desire to learn. They also have an innate capacity for honesty, empathy and considerateness. These qualities come forward as a result of our guidance, our role modeling, and our appreciation. Rewards and praise for “good behavior” or “good performance” simply get in the way. Don’t make it a habit or regular routine, every now and then it’s not going to hurt, but honor your child. You may be surprised!

-Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT, is the executive producer of the online parenting show www.TheGoToMom.TV and author of several books including The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children and The Internet Mommy.

Deborah Stewart

 Recognizing the Power Struggle

When it comes to a addressing a young child’s behavior or actions, there are often two agendas at stake …

The adult’s agenda is based on need:
•       “I need you to line up”
•       “I need you to listen to me”
•       “I need you to put away your toys”
•       “I need you to stay in bed”

The young child’s agenda is based on want:
•       “I want to play longer”
•       “I want to things my way”
•       “I want to do it myself”
•       “I want to have fun”

When the two agendas collide, there is a power struggle. A power struggle can simply be described as: “The adult needs the child to meet an expectation but the child wants to do something else.”

It is often during a power struggle that parents and teachers start making decisions about what to do. Sometimes, a sticker or a prize of some type is offered to get the child to meet the expectation – I call this a “shortcut.” The child responds positively to a  shortcut because it is something he or she wants and the adult uses the shortcut because it gets the child to do something he or she needs.

Shortcuts are not bad in themselves but they are an immediate and short term solution. Shortcuts do not teach the child how to successfully meet adult expectations and they do not build a long-term desire or “want” to meet the expectations.

So what do we need to do? For every situation where a sticker (or a shortcut) is offered to avoid or win a power struggle – mark this down as a situation that needs more time invested from a teaching and motivational perspective.

Teaching helps the child understand expectations and motivating helps the child want to do it. Both teaching and motivation begins before, during, and after the power struggle or that shortcut moment.

Here are a few examples….

1.      You are ready for your students to clean up but the children will not clean up unless they are promised a sticker (shortcut).

               Teaching – Take time to teach the children where things go and to talk with the children why it is important to help put away the toys. Talk with the children about ways they can help make cleanup time fun and successful.

               Motivational – Build interest in putting away the toys by offering genuine praise as the children are cleaning. “You are such a big helper.” “I am so amazed at how you are organizing those toys.” “You remember what we talked about earlier – well done!”

2.      You are in the grocery store and the child keeps running away or hiding. The child cries when he has to sit in the grocery cart until he or she is promised that if they are good they can have a toy.

               Teaching – Before going in the store, talk about what the rules will be and what will happen if the child doesn’t follow them. Talk about why those rules are important. Talk about how you want the child to be safe and how you want to enjoy going to the store together.  Ask the child to tell you what he or she can do to make the trip inside the store fun for both of you.

               Motivational – While in the store, make the experience interesting. Let the child push the cart or help put the items you need in the cart. Play a game like “I spy a gallon of milk! – Can you help me find the milk?”  Offer genuine praise to the child for helping you get the milk or for pushing the cart gently. Then as you leave the store, tell the child how much fun you had just spending time together.

These are just two examples of how to take a power struggle and begin the process of changing it from a “shortcut moment” to a long-term change in behavior. Teaching and motivating are not immediate like shortcuts are. They require a long-term investment by the adult but the long-term investment and the long-term results are always worthwhile.

Recommended listening: 3 Reasons Why Managing Classrooms with Punishments and Rewards is Wrong from BAM Radio.

- Deborah Stewart, M.ED, writes at  Teach Preschool, a blog devoted to promoting excellence in early childhood education.

A huge thank you to my guests Joshua, Kimberley, and Deborah for participating in this panel discussion! 

Please add to this discussion with your comments as well.  How you do you  balance the concepts of intrinsic motivation and positive reinforcement?

Well here it is!  There were so many great questions and so little time!  I’ve supplemented with some links below.  Please add your links and input in the comment section as well!

(By the way, on my computer the video seems a bit smoother over at YouTube for some reason.  It won’t hurt my feelings if you watch it there– just promise to come back and join in the discussion!)

On-Task Behavior and Developmentally Appropriate Practice (0:10)

As a parent, how do I know what is DAP in my child’s various classrooms? (1:27)

Resources for Developmentally Appropriate Practice:

Basics of Developmentally Appropriate Practice by Carol Copple and Sue Bredekamp

DAP Statements from NAEYC

DAP: What Does it Meant to Use Developmentally Appropriate Practice (From right here at NJC!)

Should food be used as sensory or art medium? (4:22)

Letter of the Week Dilemma (8:33)

Why Don’t You Teach Reading?  A Look at Emergent Literacy

A Culture of Literacy: Teaching Preschoolers the ABC’s and More  (More articles linked there.)

Preschool Tattle-Tells (10:23)

How do I stay consistent with my child’s behavior when I know it’s caused by physical factors? (11:50)

Parenting with Positive Guidance: Building Discipline from the Inside Out

Children and Nature  (14:01)

Why Our Children Need Nature

Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Blogs:

Children & Nature Network

The Grass Stain Guru

Add your links and tips below as well!  And keep those First Friday Questions coming to notjustcute@hotmail.com, with Q&A in the subject line!

A friend of mine recently told me his sister was extremely worried about her son’s behavior.  He was bouncing off the walls, getting into mischief, and extremely stubborn.  After some time stewing over her predicament, her mother gave her a call. 

“I think I know what’s causing all these problems.”

“Really!  What?”

“He’s three.”

It is important to remember that many challenging child behaviors, while not socially appropriate, are in fact age-appropriate.  Toddlers bite, three year-olds are often stubbornly independent, and preK’s are notoriously fascinated by “potty talk”.  So what are we to do with these challenging phases of childhood?

Step One:  Recognize the Driving Force

It’s important to examine what’s going on and recognize what developmental aspect may be fueling the behavior.  Many children “go through a phase” when they are learning a new skill (or are about to).  The phase is a driving force that causes the child to make sense of a new situation, adapt in a new way, or try on a new skill.

• Toddlers often bite because of a lack of verbal abilities (it’s easier for them to bite than to say “I’m angry”).  They may also be teething and/or seeking oral stimulation, either of which could drive them to biting. 
• A three year-old’s drive for independence is what fuels so much of their learning and growth.  If they weren’t wired to try to do everything themselves, when would they develop the physical skills to dress themselves or climb into their carseats?
• PreK’s often engage in potty talk as they become independent and personally responsible for those bathroom duties, and as their social development drives them toward more attention-seeking behavior.  (More on Putting a Stop to the Potty Talk.)



Step Two: Teach and Redirect

While phases may be driven by normal development, and may even naturally extinguish themselves, what was once merely a phase can quickly become habit if it’s being reinforced or too frequently ignored.  It is important to teach children how to appropriately deal with whatever their specific challenge may be.

• Toddlers can be supported in developing verbal skills as you label and validate their emotions, and can get necessary stimulation from crunchy foods and teethers.
• Three year-olds can be scaffolded for tasks beyond their abilities (break down the task into smaller pieces, “You do____ and then I’ll help with____,”).  Simply planning ahead and allowing more time for them to  complete new tasks can also soothe frustrations.
• PreKs can be redirected to appropriate attention-getters like knock-knock jokes and tongue-twisters (find some here).

Going through a phase isn’t a blank check for bad behavior, but it also isn’t a tell-tale sign of a life of deviance.  Think of a phase as a indication of developmental readiness.  It shows that a child is ready to learn a new skill, be that social, physical, or emotional.  Support the children you love and teach through the developmental process, directing and guiding as they wend their way through the work of childhood.

Top photo by Andrew C.

It started quite simply really.  Showing my son a few educational videos I found online.  Then some educational games.  Now my oldest son has become rather adept at using the computer to find his favorite games and sites, and  would gladly play all day long if he were allowed.  I’m sure there are some benefits to his new-found love: he learns some educational concepts and has some technology proficiency I suppose.  He may even have more computer know-how than his grandmother.  But I just don’t like letting him have too much computer time.  (Ironic I know, given the fact that I probably spend more time on the computer than anyone else in the house.)

Regulating the playing time was becoming a power struggle, and so I decided to go with a system that would allow my children to make their own choices within boundaries I could live with. 

We had already set some boundaries.  In our home, computer games are out on Sunday.  On the rest of the days certain responsibilities have to be taken care of first.  And obviously, we had also set some ground rules on what makes a site or game appropriate for our home and for them as children as well.  The boundary we were struggling with was the amount of time.  It seemed to fluctuate from day to day, and the inconsistency was creating a constant state of negotiations.

I finally sat down and decided how much time I could feel comfortable with my son playing on the computer each day.  (I know this doesn’t sound new yet, but hang on.)  Then, I multiplied that times six to give me a total amount of time for the week.  I broke that time down into 10 minute increments, wrote “10″ on a craft stick for each increment, and then labeled two empty juice cans with “Time Spent” and “Time Saved”.  I placed a small timer by the computer and told my son that we would set the timer each time he played computer.  For every ten minutes that he played, we would move one stick from the “saved” can to the “spent” can.  He could choose how much to use each day, but once they were gone, they were gone until the first of the next week (“payday”).

This may have sounded like a risky move.  Free access to a whole week’s worth of time?  I’m sure you’re wondering, and yes, he has had a few times where he burned right through every one of his sticks in one day.  WAY too much time on the computer, right?  But the thing is, he spent the rest of the week without any time.   I had set my limits.  There would be a finite number of minutes each week and once they were gone, they were gone.  How he used them was up to him.  I would still be involved to monitor content and make sure the timer had been set and the sticks moved, but the control — and therefore the responsibility — had been moved to my son.

This system has worked better than my daily timer because I was no longer arbitrarily arguing that he had spent “too much” time the day before and mentally adjusting his alloted time for the next day.  He was now bound by his own choices.  It wasn’t about me choosing for him each day, he was the one who had that power, within the boundaries I had set.

It hasn’t taken long for my son to begin to plan out his computer time.  He often counts up his remaining sticks and the number of days left in the week and plans out how to use them.  Not bad for a little guy!

I prefer this week-long allotment over the daily timer because it has allowed him more choice and (as usually happens when you offer choices within boundaries) it has taught him about so much more than just obedience.  With this system there are the monetary principles being taught like spending, saving,  the opportunity cost principle, and budgeting.  It creates a future orientation and the delay of instant gratification.  It also teaches very clearly about choice and consequence.  Who knew you could get so much return on a few craft sticks and some empty juice cans?

It may not be the best system for everyone, but for us, it has been the perfect balance of boundaries and choices.

Top photo by Jakub Krechowicz.

 

Thank you so much for your comments on challenging child behaviors.  I’m currently working on an eBook based on  Positive Guidance, and hope to incorporate your input.  Here is one aspect that will be addressed in the book.

When children present us with their most challenging behaviors, it is easy to fixate on what they’re doing that gets under our skin.  We claim the behavior as the source of our frustration: he throws tantrums, she won’t listen, they don’t share.  But change rarely comes by focusing only on the symptoms.  We have to care enough to get to the source.  Using the acronym CARE can help you do just that.  CARE stands for Cause, Action, Reaction, and Expectation.  If I really want to get to the root of a behavior, I would it using these four aspects.  Let me walk you through each one.

Cause

I’ll sometimes hear parents or teachers comment that a child behaved a certain way “for no reason”.  That’s just an answer I won’t accept.  The reason may not be apparent, but there is always some type of motivating force for behavior.  Some may want to attribute it to “spite” or the child just being “naughty”, and while that’s not entirely impossible, there’s usually still more to uncover.  If you aren’t willing to examine behavior for its source, you can only respond in generic ways, which won’t do much to effectively change behavior.  It’s like slapping a band-aid on a sore finger, when all the while there’s a sliver still there, festering.

I wrote previously about sources of behavior in more depth here, but to sum up, any single difficult behavior may be a response to a variety of factors.

• Environmental factors like music, room arrangement, number of people in the room or general chaos may influence behavior.  (A child may not be listening because he is distracted.)
• Physical needs like the need for sleep, movement, or food.  (The same child may not be paying attention because you have expected him to sit still for too long.) 
• Behavior may be an indicator of a lack of social skills that need to be taught and developed.  We have to ask ourselves if the child has been taught proper behavior, as well as whether or not that desired behavior is appropriate to the child’s age.  (The child may not have been taught how to pay attention.) 
• Challenging behaviors may also be the result of emotional influences like feeling rushed, insecure, unwelcome, or frightened.  (A child may have trouble paying attention because he may not feel engaged or connected with the speaker.)
• Children may misbehave as they seek power or attention.  (The child may not be giving attention because he is still seeking attention.)

Taking the time to discern the cause of behavior allows us to address the behavior in a more effective way.  While the cause is the first thing listed– the antecedent to the action– it is sometimes the last thing we can decipher.  If you’re filling out a CARE form, you may need to start with a question mark in that category and move on to the others.  Sometimes, it is the process of filling out the other aspects that causes you to uncover the root cause.

Action

This is where we usually fixate, but it is really the simplest part of the equation.  What is the behavior?  The answer is purely objective.  Avoid inserting interpretations and simply describe the facts.

Reaction

Next comes the reaction.  This is another objective aspect.  What happened next?  How did the child react?  How did the other people involved react?  How did you react?  Particularly when a behavior is repetitive, the payoff often comes from the reaction.  Whether it is a playmate’s scream or a parent’s bribe, the reaction may be the reinforcement.  This can give you some insight into what is feeding the behavior.

Expectations

Challenging behaviors are only challenging within the context of relationships.  Our expectations are different.  As Fernanda pointed out in our last discussion, “when talking about difficult behavior, the big question is, “difficult” for whom?”  We can take a look at this relational factor by examining the child’s expectations (what we interpret their behavior to be communicating), as well as our own expectations (how the behavior is different from what we expect them to do).  As we consider what the child’s expectations are, we can find ways to teach them to get what they desire in a more appropriate way.  We can also look at what we expect of them so that we can first check to see if our expectations are developmentally appropriate, and also clearly define what skill or behavior needs to be taught and encouraged.

Let’s look at how this applies to specific scenarios.

First Scenario :  Emily is frequently stubborn and openly defiant.  You observe her and fill out your CARE sheet this way:

C: Need for power

A: Emily was told to put on her shoes and she responded with “No! I don’t want to!” She sat with arms folded, staring at her mom.

R: Mom forced Emily’s shoes on to her feet which Emily responded to by throwing a fit.

E: Mom expects Emily to comply.  Emily expects to call her own shots.

Once you’ve collected the information, and considered that Emily’s needs and expectation are for power, you can make a more informed decision about how to address future situations.  If Mom needs compliance but Emily needs power, give Emily fair warning before the transition, and then allow her to make some of the choices.  Rather than”put on your shoes“, the child seeking power may respond better to, “We need to leave in five minutes.  Do you want to wear these shoes or those shoes?”

Here’s another scenario: Tommy consistently struggles with sharing and frequently takes toys from others.  An observation may look like this:

C: Hmmm.  Let’s put a question mark here for now.  Why isn’t he sharing?  Let’s look at the rest of the picture and see if that helps.

A: Tommy’s classmate is playing with a toy dog.  Tommy walks up and pulls the dog from her without saying anything and begins playing with it in another part of the room.

R: Tommy’s friend screamed.  The teacher returned the dog and helped Tommy choose a new toy.

E: The teacher expects Tommy to take turns and share.  Tommy expected to keep the toy.

So we look at the situation again, and question ourselves about the cause.  The most effective response will only come if we address the right cause.  In situations like this, my first guess is usually that the child hasn’t been taught how to share or negotiate.  So I might start off by coaching Tommy through a script for sharing or teach him how to negotiate a trade. 

However, if after a series of observations, we find that Tommy always takes toys away from the same child, or always from smaller or younger children, particularly if he’s been taught proper social skills and has shown that he can use them in other situations, Tommy may be seeking a feeling of power.  I would recommend giving Tommy opportunities to feel positive power by giving him jobs and responsibilities, asking him to help you and others (particularly the usual “targets”) and commending him for his helpfulness, and emphasizing that “big kids know how important it is to share” or “now that you’re all four, you’re getting really good at taking turns with your friends”.

You may not always need a CARE form to analyze behavior, it may just be that you consider the four aspects mentally.  But if the same behavior is recurring, it may be helpful to jot down some details over a few instances and then look for patterns.

When we care enough to take the time to really consider what challenging behavior is all about, we can learn to recognize how to best help children overcome it.

Top photo by Heriberto Herrera.

Center photo by Niels Rameckers.

Kids lose it.  They cry.  And that can be a stressful thing.  Especially when you were already on your last nerve sometime yesterday.  But there’s something I hear parents say that makes me cringe a little.  It comes in many forms: “No tears,”  “Big boys don’t cry,”  or the many other variations of “Stop crying now.”  It’s understandable to a degree.  The crying is stressful.  But there are a few things we have realize. 

First, we have to understand that the message we’re sending is, “I don’t really want to know how you really feel.”  We want our kids to talk to us, to share with us.  But that’s not what we communicate to them when we respond to their limited ability to express emotions by essentially saying, “Stop showing me how you feel.”  

It’s not likely we’ll end up with teenagers who feel comfortable sharing their disappointments and hard decisions if we’ve spent a decade sending the message, “I don’t want to hear it.”   Instead, we’ll get answers like, “Fine,”  “Sure,” and “Whatever” after years of teaching apathy instead of empathy.

Secondly, the “small thing” that we believe doesn’t warrant crying, means a lot to the child.  We need to look, now and then, through the eyes of the child.  It’s easy for us to rationalize away little heart breaks as no big deal, but we have to understand what they really mean to the child.  That display of empathy goes a long way in building relationships and really getting to the root of the behavior.  It doesn’t mean we have to cry about it too, but we do need to be responsive and communicate to the child that he is understood.  For example, “Oh, Sam, that must have been pretty disappointing when your Lego tower broke!  You worked on that for a long time.“  Then, when the child knows he has been heard and validated, he’s more likely to calm down and move on from that point.  He doesn’t feel quite so driven to cry when he knows you already got the message.  When he realizes you’re on his side, he’s more likely to go along with you.  “What should we do?  Do you want to try to fix it or build something new?”  Sometimes, it’s simply being understood that will soothe the tears.

Lastly, we need to recognize that children have limited verbal abilities.  So in spite of the fact that they feel overwhelming and powerful emotions like frustration, disappointment, jealousy, and pain, they often have trouble expressing those feelings with words.  So there they are with all of the original emotions festering and then a large portion of frustration is added when they can’t aptly communicate what they’re feeling or what they need.  Crying is a natural reaction to that breaking point. 

When we empathize and talk about those feelings, we not only help the child to know he’s been understood, but we also give him the words to express those feelings later.  If we simply tell him to stop crying, he has gained no tools (other than suppression) to help him in a future situation. 

Showing empathy can go a long way in drying those tears, but sometimes crying turns to a full-scale tantrum.  In those situations, use the same techniques as above— validating and labeling emotions — but also reiterate that “I can’t fix a fit.”  Tell the child that you want to help, but don’t know how unless they use words to help you find out what they need.  Of course, talking is difficult if a child is completely out of control, in which case you may want to try some of the Tools for Tantrums first.

In any case, we need to remember to focus less on the immediate goal of ending the crying, and more on the long term goal of healthy emotional regulation.  (Here’s a great post that makes teaching emotional regulation and expression as Simple as PIE.)  We want to communicate to our children that we do want to hear what they need and how they feel.  When they feel secure in that, and as they learn to communicate more efficiently, the crying will naturally lessen. 

Top photo by yarranz.