The philosophy of positive guidance is one that is often misunderstood. Both by observers and practitioners.
Tools for Positive Guidance: What’s your go-to?
In the last post, I wrote about the difference between discipline and punishment, an important distinction for positive parenting.
Positive Child Guidance: A Look at Discipline vs Punishment
Roots & Wings: Setting Boundaries & Giving Choices
I often write about the importance of giving children choices. They are struggling with a need to feel powerful in a world that often makes them feel powerless. Being able to take control and make their own choices gives them that powerful feeling, meaning they feel less compelled to seek out power in negative ways like tantrums or fighting. Children also need to be offered choices to give them practice making decisions and experience handling consequences as life skills. Giving children choices is important. But it is also important to recognize that as adults, we need to be clear in setting the boundaries for those choices. [Read more…]
Roots & Wings: Setting Boundaries & Giving Choices
I often write about the importance of giving children choices. They are struggling with a need to feel powerful in a world that often makes them feel powerless. Being able to take control and make their own choices gives them that powerful feeling, meaning they feel less compelled to seek out power in negative ways like tantrums or fighting. Children also need to be offered choices to give them practice making decisions and experience handling consequences as life skills. Giving children choices is important. But it is also important to recognize that as adults, we need to be clear in setting the boundaries for those choices. [Read more…]
Spare the Rod: What Spanking Teaches Children
I heard a comedian the other day, who really made a good point. He said essentially this: “My friends are always questioning my choice not to spank my kids. They’ll often say, “Never? You’ll never spank you kids? There’s no situation where you think you might need to spank your kids?” When I say I’ll never hit my wife, nobody says, “Never? You’ll never hit your wife? There’s no situation where you think you might need to hit your wife?” This logic got a good laugh from the crowd, and I think it was spot-on.
What's Going On? Considering the Sources of Behavior
Some of you are reading that title and thinking, “Sources of behavior? That two year-old having a tantrum on the carpet – THAT’S the source of behavior!” Now, right from the start, I need to say that I am not implying that we absolve children of all responsibility for their choices. But at the same time, if we can be observant and consider what may be triggering those choices, we can know how to use that moment as a teaching opportunity and take preventative steps in the future as well.
For No Reason. Just as an example, I recently worked with a group of teachers and one expressed concern over a child who was aggressive and hitting “for no reason”. Now, it did appear to be for no reason, there was no provocation from the other children. But it’s difficult for me to accept “for no reason” as a behavioral description. It seems all you can do for “no reason” is let the child know the behavior is not appropriate and then give a generic, and often inappropriate punishment (like a “naughty chair”) that will have little corrective influence, as it was not tied in an authentic way to the source of the behavior. As I probed a bit into this particular situation the teachers realized that he usually acted out against one child in particular, and that child was what they called “an easy target”. Now this little tidbit differentiated the act for me.
What’s Going On? Considering the Sources of Behavior
Some of you are reading that title and thinking, “Sources of behavior? That two year-old having a tantrum on the carpet – THAT’S the source of behavior!” Now, right from the start, I need to say that I am not implying that we absolve children of all responsibility for their choices. But at the same time, if we can be observant and consider what may be triggering those choices, we can know how to use that moment as a teaching opportunity and take preventative steps in the future as well.
For No Reason. Just as an example, I recently worked with a group of teachers and one expressed concern over a child who was aggressive and hitting “for no reason”. Now, it did appear to be for no reason, there was no provocation from the other children. But it’s difficult for me to accept “for no reason” as a behavioral description. It seems all you can do for “no reason” is let the child know the behavior is not appropriate and then give a generic, and often inappropriate punishment (like a “naughty chair”) that will have little corrective influence, as it was not tied in an authentic way to the source of the behavior. As I probed a bit into this particular situation the teachers realized that he usually acted out against one child in particular, and that child was what they called “an easy target”. Now this little tidbit differentiated the act for me.
What is Positive Guidance?
I have some bad news for some of you. There is no magical, easy, silver bullet approach to dealing with challenging childhood behaviors. If there was, there wouldn’t be shelves full of books on the topic in every book store and library. There would be one very short book and we would all have it memorized. There is no easy answer, but there is a series of attitudes and understandings and an assortment of tools and approaches, that we can choose from and use to address each individual challenging situation.