Setting Boundaries Helps Kids….and Also Your Sanity.

Most parents know that kids need boundaries.

But what is often a new perspective, is that they need them too.

It’s easy to see why kids need boundaries.  Often, when a child seems out of control, it’s because the child feels out of control.  In some situations, the child is simply testing the boundaries, looking for someone to step in and say, “STOP”.  Someone who will give them a sense of security by setting boundaries.

As much as their tantrums and meltdowns may convince us otherwise, children want to know that we are paying attention and will step in and take charge in order to keep them safe.

As little scientists, they methodically test these boundaries, checking every variable and measuring the reliability of our response.  And just like scientists, they continue to test as long as they continue to get a different response.  When does a scientist stop testing?  When they start to get consistent results.

But when I teach parents about setting boundaries, what often comes as a new understanding (and many times along with a huge sigh of relief) is that those boundaries are for them as well.

By setting our boundaries, we create an environment that is conducive to a child’s well-being and learning, sure, but also conducive to the maintenance of our sanity.  And as any parent on his/her last nerve will tell you, that’s no small thing.

Parenting philosophies today have become very child-centered, which offers many valuable perspectives.  It’s good to recognize that a child has a different perspective, different needs, and a different rhythm than we often have as adults.  It’s good to recognize that children are each unique individuals and that we must be responsive to them and to their development.

What becomes dangerous is when we begin to see child-centered as meaning the earth and the stars and the moon all revolve around the child.

As Erika Christakis points out in her book, The Importance of Being Little*, (affiliate link*) there is a difference between being child-centered and being child-run.  Taking into account a child’s unique needs and personal development is not incongruent with considering our own.

One big secret of patient parents — or perhaps simply those who know how to function in a way that gives the appearance of patience — is that they proactively set boundaries.

We stretch ourselves as parents and conform to meet the needs of our children.  That’s all wonderful and often necessary, but we have to know our limits.  They do exist.  We can either recognize where those limits are, and set boundaries to protect them, or we can continue to stretch ourselves to the breaking point.  And we will eventually snap.

As I talk with parents about setting boundaries, I often see “lightbulb moments” flash across their faces as I tell them that there is no set list of boundaries for them to put in place.  Sure, there are some widely accepted social norms and certain boundaries based on common sense and safety, but there should also be boundaries placed just for them.  Boundaries that protect their own sense of security and respect their own needs.

So, for example, if you know that wild screaming and chaotic horseplay will cause you to lose your everloving mind, set a boundary before that happens.  “Screaming and running are for outside.”

Just as our parenting should be responsive to our individual children, it should also be responsive to our needs as parents and our needs together as a family.  It’s OK to have a different set of boundaries in your house than someone else has in theirs.  Jumping on the couch might be just fine with Billy’s parents, but it drives you bonkers.  That’s fine.  Set your boundary.  Roughhousing might be normal life for you and your family, but in Layla’s house it’s only allowed in the playroom.  Sounds good.  Co-sleeping works wonderfully for some families, but maybe not in yours.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

When we try to play by another parent’s or another family’s boundaries, we may find ourselves blowing our top.  Not because we lack patience, but because we didn’t respect our own boundaries.

We try to ignore the couch-jumping or the constant roughhousing or we continue to adopt someone else’s pattern of co-sleeping even though we are getting exactly zero hours of quality sleep.  Before long and without fail, we will lose it.  We wonder what is wrong with US.  Why we don’t have the patience someone else has?  But in reality, the problem isn’t with our patience, it’s with our boundary-setting.

I was recently listening to this fascinating podcast interview from RadioWest’s Doug Fabrizio‘s interview with developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik, and author of the new book  The Gardener and the Carpenter (*affiliate link).  The entire interview is worth the listen, but one illustration in particular stood out to me.

Dr. Gopnik mentioned that in the US, we drive on the right side of the road.  That’s the correct way to drive here.  In the UK, however, drivers drive on the left side of the road.  That’s the correct way to drive there.  But there’s no one “right” way.  It’s specific to the place.  It isn’t which side of the road that is most important, it’s that we communicate it clearly with one another.

When we have needs that we don’t communicate clearly to our children by setting proactive boundaries, we (and our kids!) feel like we’re navigating a chaotic road with drivers coming at us from every direction.  Beyond stressful, and dangerous.  But when we clearly communicate our own personal boundaries, it’s easier to get everyone on the same page and chart a smooth course.

Looking for more resources on setting boundaries?

Parents Struggling with Boundaries — 3 Common Reasons {Janet Lansbury}

Are Parent’s Unable to Just Say “No” These Days? {NJC}

Sorry Folks, That’s Not Positive Parenting {NJC}

The Parable of the Swing: Why Kids Need Both Choices and Boundaries {NJC}

Parenting with Positive Guidance Ecourse

 

Top Photo Source

*Purchases made from affiliate links contribute a small percentage to funding Not Just Cute, at no extra cost to you. Thank you!