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Tools for Tantrums

May 29, 2009 by notjustcute Filed Under: Positive Guidance and Social Skills 6 Comments

tool

Photo by TouTouke.

Preschoolers are notorious for their histrionic tantrums.  Every child and every tantrum is different and each requires a certain “tweaking” of tactics, but here’s a look into my toolbox for dealing with tantrums.

Get down to their level.  While it may be tempting to throw yourself down on the floor and join in, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about here.  Tantrums generally come from a place of frustration and a lack of control.  Towering over a preschooler only reinforces that frustrating feeling of being powerless.  It also reinforces a “me against you” feeling.  Come down to their level so that you can be eye to eye.

 Bring your voice down too.  The natural inclination is often to raise your voice to be heard over the shrill performance, but lowering your voice is often much more effective.  Certainly more effective for defusing the situation, but also more effective for getting the child’s attention.

Create time and space to get control.  Again, feeling a lack of control is often fueling a tantrum.  The child isn’t getting what is wanted- whether it’s his way, a toy, or just understanding, a desire has been frustrated.  Remove the child from the situation so that he can focus on regaining personal control.  Focus on it as a need, not a punishment.  Say something like, “You look like you need some time to get in control.  Let’s go sit over here until you’re ready.”  Find another room, a quiet corner, or simply turn the child other direction and use your body as a screen as you come to eye level.  Having some time away from the stimulus (the toy, friend, or project that influenced the blow up)  helps the child to focus on his behavior and personal control rather than continuing to fixate on the frustrated desire.

 Deep breathing for two.  With some children, particularly those that are frequently frustrated and/or easily worked up, I teach relaxation techniques such as deep breathing.  “You know what helps me when I need to relax,” I ask them.  “I take a deep breath like this, and then I slowly blow it all out.  And that helps me relax all my muscles so I can feel better and think better.”  (As a beneficial by-product, my example helps me relax a bit myself during a tense situation.) 

For some children, I try the birthday candle technique to get them to take a few deep breaths.  With my hand in a fist, and my thumb extended up like the flame, I say, “Oh, look at this!  I have a candle.  Do you think you could blow it out?”  At this point they tend to give me a questioning glance.  Somewhere along the lines of , “Has she lost it?”  But they’ve also been distracted enough to stop crying.  As they blow, I wiggle my thumb and even bring it down, but then pop it back up (with sound effects of course, and a look of surprise) and encourage them to take a deeper breath and try again.  After a few tries, they’re usually laughing, and have taken several deep breaths.  Now this little gem is effective in large part because of the novelty.  If you find you’re using it too often with the same child, is time to teach deep breathing as a tactic, as I mentioned above.

Talk it out.  “I can see that you’re very upset.  Can we talk about it now, or do you need a minute to get control?”  If more time is needed, I may leave the child in a that quiet spot for a moment and return, sit with the child, or just hold him until he’s ready.  Helping the children to verbalize their emotions  gives them a more controlled outlet for venting their frustrations.  Too often the tantrum comes from immature language skills leaving them with the inability to express needs or emotions in any other way.  Talking with them and labeling their feelings, directing them on how to properly express their needs, goes a long way in soothing not only this flare-up but preventing future ones as well.

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Comments

  1. 2

    katepickle says

    August 24, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    great tips… I really need to remember the ‘bringing your voice down’ one… with a three year old who is finding being a new big brother a little tough right now.

    Reply
    • 3

      notjustcute says

      August 24, 2010 at 9:41 pm

      That can be a tough transition time! For everyone involved! Good luck!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. No More Tears…an Unfair Request « Not Just Cute says:
    August 12, 2010 at 1:41 am

    […] Showing empathy can go a long way in drying those tears, but sometimes crying turns to a full-scale tantrum.  In those situations, use the same techniques as above— validating and labeling emotions — but also reiterate that “I can’t fix a fit.”  Tell the child that you want to help, but don’t know how unless they use words to help you find out what they need.  Of course, talking is difficult if a child is completely out of control, in which case you may want to try some of the Tools for Tantrums first. […]

    Reply
  2. Verbalizing Emotions | Not Just Cute says:
    September 2, 2011 at 11:29 am

    […] feelings.  In such situations, it’s much easier to act than to speak.  What results are the tantrums, the hitting, the biting, and other behaviors, which too frequently typify the preschool years. As […]

    Reply
  3. Temper Tantrums: Why They Happen and How to Handle Them - Dirt & Boogers says:
    February 26, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    […] Tantrums…ways to deal – Toddler Approved Tools for Tantrums – Not Just Cute Tantrums: Emotional Regulation or Pure Manipulation – Not Just Cute […]

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  4. How To Deal With Tantrums in Public (Without Feeling Like A Fool) - A Fine Parent says:
    March 14, 2016 at 4:01 am

    […] way to get kids to breathe deeply is to use Amanda Morgan’s birthday candle technique to get them to take a few deep […]

    Reply

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I’m Amanda Morgan. Here’s what I’m about…

In early education, there is too much distance between what we know and what we do. I bridge the gaps that exist between academia, decision-makers, educators, and parents so that together, we can improve the quality of early education while also respecting and protecting the childhood experience.

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