I’m reading a fascinating book called Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Petterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. It’s been sitting on my proverbial nightstand for at least a year now, and after hearing it recommended again from about a fourth source – from education administrators to business execs to parents – I decided I’d better start reading.
As I read about the importance of effective communication in difficult situations, my mind bounces from the perspective of an adult working with adults, and one who works with children. Though this book is written for adults, and really emphasizes the corporate world, I’ve been struck once again by the importance of teaching children social skills and effective communication.
One passage in particular came with great impact as I read it from the perspective of a parent and a teacher. In it, the authors point out that the majority of first-time violent crime offenders are not actually the stereotypical thugs or the twisted sociopaths we tend to picture. To the contrary, more than half of those convicted of first violent offenses commit those acts against friends or loved ones. They are the otherwise “normal” neighbors who simply snap under the pressure of the moment, or the mounting strain of a long unresolved conflict.
The authors point out these facts at the outset of the book, establishing the need for the problem-solving and mediating skills laid out in its contents. These are skills they set out to promote in professionals. Yet they are also skills for our children.
As the authors write, “Since they don’t know what to say or how to say it, they opt for force.” This sentence came off the page with a hint of familiarity. The same thing could be (and has been) said of children. When they lack the language skills or the social grace, they often act out with aggression. It’s easier, faster, and biologically speaking, more in line with our fight or flight impulse.
As I imagine these offenders mentioned, I imagine some of the children I have worked with. Some who seem to have the best of intentions and sincere hearts, but who struggle with impulse control or social grace. In moments of frustration they take the easier, familiar road and simply grab, yell, push, or hide. They aren’t bad kids. They just need more skills. They need the same social skills I try to promote in all of the children I love and teach. The same skills good teachers and parents everywhere are building in their children.
I think of the value of teaching children social problem-solving, of validating their emotions, of promoting empathy, and building language skills for communication. How much heartbreak would be reduced if the adults in these statistics had been taught as children to regulate and express their emotions?
At the other end of the spectrum, the authors discuss research displaying the impact of these effective communication and problem-solving skills in those with successful careers and running thriving businesses. These are the skills that seem to make the biggest difference between those who succeed in life and those who struggle through it.
Couldn’t we do the same for the children we love and teach? Wouldn’t supporting their social-emotional growth contribute to their personal success as well as the culture of our homes and classrooms?
I know it would.
It’s something I write about often here, as well as in my ebook. It isn’t enough to teach our children reading and math and consider them educated. We can’t simply look at silent rows and proclaim them well-behaved. We need to get into the messy work of supporting social-emotional develoment in our children. We need to give them supported opportunities to work through challenges, to talk through feelings, and weigh out choices.
It takes more time. It takes more energy. Sometimes we have to allow them to fail in order for them to learn to really succeed. But we owe it to the children we love and teach to give them all the skills they need to succeed not just in school, but in life.
Top photo by Shannon Pifko.
Great article! I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old so this just reinforces why I “let” them learn lessons rather than do everything for them…as hard as that is sometimes! Thanks!
Thanks, Kristina. Sometimes it does seem easier to micromanage everything and avoid all the conflict, but now and then we have to take the time to reflect on what can be taught through the conflict (or otherwise simply avoided). Thanks for reading!
Teaching Social Skills is one of the most important areas of preschool curriculum. There is some great information by Howie Knoff with Project Achieve and the Stop and Think program. I’ve used it in my preschool classroom for years and now teach this in workshop. Just a great method for teaching children to recognize behavior and when a behavior is acceptable or not. Often times, our expectations of young children are unrealistic because they have not been “taught” social skills and what those skills look like in a positive light. We make the assumption that children are born into this world with all the necessary social skills it takes to make it in this world – but that is not true. They must be taught these social skills, skills like interrupting, how to ask or answer a question, how to wait your turn, how to join in a play group, how to ask for help and so on and so forth. Then there are also the everyday tasks that call for social skills – entering the classroom, cleaning up, hanging up your backpack and jacket, signing in for attendance, how to line up, eating at the table, washing hands, etc. If we would just take some time to really “teach” these skills we would see such improvements in our classrooms. I encourage teachers to devote some of the first semester to this task and you will be amazed what a difference a good social skills program will make in your classrooms! 🙂
Well said!
It is funny that I was just thinking about this and saw your post on my reader. Why was I thinking about what to say?
Well by 7 year old girl has to face many such situations at school and as mother sometimes I feel I am not to guiding her right. Like yesterday, some girl was teasing her (you are looser and will always be looser because my daughter’s favorite food was favored by only two other kids in class). My response to my daughter was ‘ignore the other girl’.
When I think back, I was that kind girl who did not know how to respond in language so I took shelter with books. I am always looking for advise/input in terms of how to manage this….
The other side of this is that my daughter responds to some situation much harshly than she should….I blame that to her bottling up things….
Jenny, and Cute, are right. Children don’t know much from birth. Social protocols, empathy, and being able to diagnose other psychologies, are learned. I always feel a little misled when I hear these concepts described as skills. When I hear skills, things like crochet or my husband’s magic tricks or badminton come to mind. Social skills are skills, but the foundation is an attitude or belief. I think kids need to learn, sooner than later, that there are other people with thoughts and goals that may be different but just as valid and important. Once kids realize that, then individual skills and techniques makes sense implicitly. Even better, kids have the foundation to decide what to do even in novel situations.
I love this topic, thanks for writing about it.
Good food for thought. I often use the words social skills, but it’s true the action of “skills” has to be motivated by attitudes and beliefs. There are plenty of people with “social grace” who are still willing to take advantage of other people given half the chance. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
I am nodding my head, too (up and down I might add! )
I taught high school for many years and even at that age the students had difficultly grappling with appropriate social and emotional responses. Social and emotional intelligence, I think, is probably one of the most important attitudes we can help develop in children. It is essential for adult life, more important than some of the content we were mandated to teach them. The importance of knowing how to articulate feelings and opinions, resolve problems and misunderstandings without resorting to aggression, sarcasm or put-downs and working cooperatively with others mustn’t be overlooked. These little ones who we love and care for will one day be adults. We owe it to them and to society.
I’m late to the party but I also wanted to comment that some of the children who struggle with social skills may also have hearing and expressive or receptive language challenges. I have a son who has both a hearing disability and poor expressive and receptive language. As a preschooler and kindy child, he acted out in exactly the ways you are describing. Once we had discovered his challenges and addressed them, we were able to effectively teach him the social/language skills he needed in a way he could both understand and carry out himself. You say it so well, “they aren’t bad kids. They just need more skills”. It’s such an important lesson for both teachers and parents to learn. We had teachers tell us our child was just disobedient and unruly when in fact he couldn’t hear instructions in the way they were given and didn’t have the language skills to deal with challenging situations. For our part, we too had to change how we saw him and responded to him. The change in him has been remarkable. At 11, he is now known as pleasant and easy to work with and a real asset to his class. He has other learning challenges too but these are so much easier to deal with now that he has the social problem solving skills/ language skills and hearing difference addressed. I’ve been really encouraged reading your article and the comments. Thank you!
So true, Tanya. Too many children are labeled as “bad” when they have language, motor, and/or social delays. I’m glad to hear your son has received the help he needed. What a great story to share.
I am so happy I put in the effort to look up this topic on your site (find your site a great resource). It has been a tough task and as much an on-going process for both me and husband to instill subtle social skills with our little one. Interestingly the 2.5yr old is quite socially savvy. We have made sure that he has abundant social interaction with all ages and diverse groups to compensate for the lack of an extended family. At some point I look forward to seeing him verbalize it too.
I too teach preschool and this year my class has the least amount of social skills I’ve experienced. I agree that it is our job to teach them young so they grow up and know how to problem solve and self soothe. The term “frustration intolerance” is a term I’ve never had to use until this year. I feel sad for these children because there is only one of me and bombs continue to go off while trying to teach one set of children how to put out their own fires. I feel like a broken record “What could you do about that? Did you talk to them and tell them how it made you feel? Use your words!…” I’m constantly trying to catch conflict before it escalates. Little cognitive curriculum is taught because most of our day is spent role playing manners or talking through various issues. It’s exhausting, but I’m trying to support them in hopes that an impact will be made. Thank you for this article.