The philosophy of positive guidance is one that is often misunderstood. Both by observers and practitioners.
Perhaps the number one misconception is that positive guidance, or positive parenting, is the equivalent of passive parenting. There’s this notion that the overriding principle is to keep everything positive. Translation: keep the kids happy, no matter the cost. For some, it conjures up an idea of spoiled kids calling all the shots, while their parents turn themselves inside out to shield them from consequences and give them everything they want in the name of preserving peace and protecting self-esteem.
Sorry folks. This is not positive guidance.
So what is positive guidance, exactly?
Positive.
Let’s start by looking at the name. First off, it is positive. This doesn’t mean happiness at all costs. The positive guidance philosophy recognizes that children actually learn when supported through conflict — not when protected from it. The aspect of positivity indicates a foundation in healthy adult-child relationships. And those healthy relationships are built with mutual respect and trust. It’s bolstered by a belief that authority can exist without relying on fear and domination.
The positive end also indicates that this is a proactive philosophy. It is a philosophy focused on teaching the skills and habits children need to learn in order to be successful, rather than following a deficit model where children are simply punished for failure in the hopes that they’ll figure it out. There is a focus on increasing a child’s capacity for self-control rather than an effort to increasingly exert our own control over them. We want children to be good people, not just to do good things when we tell them to.
Guidance.
The second part of the name, “guidance”, is in direct opposition with the word “passive”. To give guidance, one must have intention, expectations, and be able to recognize and assert boundaries. To guide is to be an active influence, not a passive pawn.
Part of the notion of guidance is that we are guiding children toward independence. We give gentle reminders, coach through problem solving, and enforce boundaries in an effort to teach children how to do it all for themselves. We want to give them the tools to be active, capable agents in their own lives. It’s this successful independence developed through guided practice confronting and overcoming challenge that truly builds self-esteem. And it’s that true self-esteem positive guidance tries to develop and preserve. Not its phony counterpart, entitlement, which comes from overindulgence and freedom from consequence.
There are many ways to influence a child’s behavior. There are even many ways to get the same behavior outcome. But it is positive guidance that gives adults the tools necessary to encourage appropriate behavior through healthy, constructive means. That’s what positive guidance is. Exactly.
Reading what you wrote about misconceptions- I think it’s true. When I first started following your blog, turning to it for advice, and reading your book . . .. . I admit I felt a little passive. I felt (and admittedly, sometimes still feel) that exerting my control is what got actual results. This need for immediate and exact obedience has been one I’ve had to quell and I am not always good at it, but I have seen the growth and the self-control positive guidance helps instill rather than just forcing my son to do what I had asked. I honestly don’t feel very good at it. Hope to get better.
SO, needless to say, I am really excited to hear what your new project is!
And, Making of the Mind came- do you think I can just jump right in at the chapter you are on or try and work my way from the start?
Thanks, Andrea! There is definitely a learning curve as with anything we try to learn. I’m guessing you’re better at it than you think! I think the main misconception comes when people forget to set boundaries and hold them. The WAY those boundaries are explained and maintained is what differentiates positive guidance from other methods.
I’m excited for you to read Mind in the Making. It is such a great resource! I think because the chapters are written by topic, you can start at chapter 4 and then circle back if you want to. Though I have also loved tying in what I’ve read in the past chapters and seeing the connections in the subsequent chapters. But I do think it would still make sense to just read the intro and then jump in and circle back.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts as you read!
Love everything about this post. “authority can exist without relying on fear and domination.”. I want to shout that from the rooftops.
Thank you so much, Carrie!
Hi there- Im new to reading these types of blogs about wot sounds a wonderful parenting techniquethat resonates true in my heart. My main question is would it be too late to start this tyre of parenting wth my son who has just turned 6. He has terrible tantrums that are becoming more difficult to handle the older he gets. He totally defies my attempt at authority- tho does as my husband dictates- out of fear i guess. As you can imagine we’re in a terrible mess as a family just now- but i totally believe in the goods wisdom we are born with etc. Wot would you suggest our next steps should be. Thanks. Elaine
Elaine-
I don’t think it’s ever too late to implement a positive guidance approach. Of course, in keeping with developmentally appropriate practice, your approach with a six year-olds would look slightly different from your approach with a toddler. Many children respond differently to their parents because we as parents tend to respond differently to them. Our relationships are not the same and our approaches are rarely exactly the same. I think with tantrums, the most important place to start is to keep track (even using a written record if it helps) of what preceeds the tantrums, what the action of the tantrum looks like, what your reaction is, and what expectations you both (and whoever else is involved) may have had going into the situation and going into the tantrum. Looking at these factors may help you to see what is triggering the tantrum or how to help build coping skills. I refer to this as the CARE method — Cause, Action, Reaction, Expectations. Hopefully this helps you to zero in on how to best approach these challenging episodes. Best of luck!
I was in a bit of a grumpy mood today- finding it hard to be positive- and it sure enough, my girls followed my lead. A good reminder on the perfect day…
Agree! Great post 🙂
Great post. I am here by way of the great Zina’s and her Parenting Soup, who just this week told me I should find your blog and connect with you. She was right on! I’m going to work my way backward through your posts and see what wisdom I can attach myself to! : ) History for me: Mom of twin girls who are polar opposite in personality. So, what works for one, doesn’t work for the other in just about any situation. It’s a constant battle. I’m hoping to find some ideas here to help me walk that fine line of having to handle them differently. One is the golden child when it comes to behavior but struggles to be independent. The other is completely independent but in the mind as well! She thinks she’s mommy to me and her twin. : ) Not an ordinary situation but I’m sure I’ll find some good advice within the pages of your site. We do have the same goal, though — to support parents!! Nice to meet you.
Thanks, Shawn! Glad to have you here!
Wonderful! I’m just getting into positive parenting with a highly independent 3 yr old and a sensitive, clingy, yet independent 1 yr old. Haha. She waffles back and forth on the independence thing. Always wants HER way, no matter what! Glad to find articles that support the learning I’m doing and trying to break some bad habits from a spanking/authoritarian family. Thanks!
Good post!
My daughter is struggling with a very bored/naughty kindergartner, and these are good reminders for me, as I help her through this, as Mom, and caregiver.
I especially like your talking about growing good people, which ties in with my book,
On children making safe decisions and growing up safely.