(Oh boy, can you tell I’m working on a sleep-deprived, new-baby mama’s brain? See if you catch my mis-speaks. If you’re sleep deprived too and didn’t notice, there’s a hint at the bottom of the post. I didn’t even notice I had fumbled until I played it back! Oh well, nobody’s perfect, right?)
A recent Ecourse participant asked about the difference between threats and consequences. I thought it was a great question, so I wanted to share that with you here. What are your thoughts?
(This video can also be viewed on YouTube here.)
Tone. When your tone is angry it sounds and feels more like a threat. When you are calm, and even empathetic (“That would be so sad….”) you’re simply informing them of the facts. Another way to think of it is as a gentle reminder. (“Remember that if ____ then ____. That would be too bad.”) One puts more power with the adult the other allows the child to own their own choices.
Follow Through. When you follow through with consequences, it teaches children that choices and consequences go together and that they can make their own choices. When we don’t follow through or follow through sporadically, the children feel more like the consequences are influenced more by our daily mood rather than their choices.
It’s hard to enforce consequences. The kids often get upset and we feel like the bad guy. We start to wonder if it’s really “positive” guidance if everyone is crying. But as tempting as it is to rescue kids from consequence, there are times when they simply have to learn from consequences. When we give warnings over and over without any follow through, it sounds more like threats and nagging than a reminder of consequences.
More Resources:
Choices and Consequences {NJC}
Threat or Consequence– What’s the Difference? {Early Childhood News}
Want to get “registrated” for the upcoming Ecourse of “Positive with Parenting Guidance”? (Did you catch it in the video?) I’d love to have you! Be sure to use the TEAM discount!
Keep sending in your questions for the next First Friday to questions@notjustcute.com!
This is very timely in our home. My 3 1/2 year old is really trying to push the limits of his independence and I tend to get angry and just react to his antics with a threat, but then never follow through. Of course after the fact, I remind myself that I need to calm down and think before speaking. 🙂 Thank you!
I like the way you clarify the difference between a threat and a consequence. I am the parent of a 4 year old, as well a Kindergarten teacher. There have been many times that I define a consequence for a child too hastily and end up regretting what I’ve said, knowing that I should follow through. This past summer I started phrasing the consequence so that I could have think time before defining what it would be. For example, I might calmly say, “Uh oh, If you do/don’t (fill in the blank), you’ll have consequences.” This get’s my son’s attention quickly because he doesn’t know what to expect. The consequence might be in 5 minutes, or when we get home, so he doesn’t know when it will happen. It also leaves him wondering what might occur, such as time out or loss of a toy, etc… I try to give logical consequences whenever possible, but in the heat of the moment that doesn’t usually happen. It gives me a chance to think things through a few extra minutes and I feel better about the consequence I have to enforce.
I just came across your blog today (and purchased your ebook immediately!) and I couldn’t be more excited about what I’m finding here – thank you! I recently read Dr Kevin Leman’s Have a New Kid by Friday, and implemented his “Reality Principle” – letting children experience and learn from the natural consequences of their own choices. Some days are ROUGH with a 2- and 4-year-old, but when my sweet 4-year-old says, “If we don’t eat our dinner, we don’t get dessert and we’ll be huuuuungry! Right, mom?” or “We have to choose the right…. Right, mom?” I know he’s not only capable of understanding, but really desires to learn and do well! I can’t wait to read your ebook and see what other treasures you’ve been posting!
Thank you so much Ashley! I hope you enjoy the book and continue reading here!
Interesting post, I was actually searching for the difference between a threat and a conseqience and I cannot see the difference if the consequence is manufactured or decided upon by another person. That is clearly a threat. A consequence must be something that’s natural, or not manufactured. Eg: if you touch the stove when its on you could burn yourself vs if you don’t pay this bill you will have to pay interest on it.
I think I see what you’re saying, and it may be a difference of semantics or philosophy. In my opinion, what you’re describing is the difference between a natural consequence (this happens without interference- burning if you touch) and a logical consequence (manufactured, as you say, but logically connected to the action – late fees). I think that a logical consequence, particularly those that are clearly laid out ahead of time (as in late payment plans or ongoing classroom or home expectations) are consequences, not threats. I see threats as rash, overly-emotional, inconsistent, constructed on the spot, and often issued more in an effort to engender fear than to simply inform. That’s a perspective that works for me. What works for you?