My son cut a hole in his t-shirt the other day. Well, according to him, the scissors were just walking on the counter when they walked right over to him and cut a hole in his shirt. Now, you and I know which scenario is most likely true, but does he? That gets complicated.
Kids are notorious for fibbing. Like most childhood challenges, there are many different reasons behind the behavior.
Truth vs Fiction
Understanding the difference between truth and fiction is a skill that comes with age and experience. Young children often have a difficult time knowing for sure what is fantasy and what is reality. That’s why they love a good fairy tale, become new characters with the simplest of costume changes, and embody all the magic of holiday traditions. With the powerful imagination that often comes with childhood, young kids are often capable of creating narrative that is so vivid even they believe it is true.
Wishful Thinking
Sometimes children say what they wish was true. Verbal intricacies may trip them up, taking a hope and turning it into a statement of fact. “Johnny said I could come over.” “Sarah said I could have it.” “Mom said we could do it.” We can validate their desires while still clarifying the facts. “Is that what happened, or what you were hoping would happen?” “I can see that you would want to have cookies for dinner, but I know that…..”
Hiding Shame
Many times, if you look behind the tale your child is weaving they may be hiding shame or embarrassment about something. It’s too uncomfortable to accept the truth, so they create something more convenient. My son’s story is case in point. Instead of feeling badly about damaging his own shirt (one of his favorites, by the way) he created a story to soften the blow.
Responding harshly only exacerbates the situation when shame, guilt, or embarrassment is the motivator. Respond with gentle questions, validations, and reinforcements. “I know you wouldn’t want to ______. It doesn’t feel good when we make mistakes, but it’s OK. I make mistakes too. What’s really important to me that we tell each other the truth so we can help each other.”
The Greater Good
Particularly for older children, dishonesty actually becomes a marker of prosocial behavior. As children become aware of the white lies that may be told, even by adults, they start to view lying as a way to save others from pain and disappointment. They’re being polite, or so they may think.
Unfortunately, we often reinforce this when we encourage white lies as good manners. Soon, not upsetting Grandma by telling her there are lumps in the mashed potatoes is on the same moral plane as not upsetting mom by telling her about a fight at school. As adults, we can help avoid this trap by teaching children how to be honest without being harsh. Didn’t like dinner/the gift/etc.? You can still say “Thank you. That was so kind of you.”
Self-Preservation
The most obvious reason kids would lie is to cover their tracks. They don’t want to get in trouble, disappoint, or face the consequences, so they create a cover. When we make it clear to children that we would rather hear the ugly truth than a beautifully constructed lie, we give them room for honesty.
Severe responses to misdeeds can also promote dishonesty. I spoke once with a woman who lived in fear of her abusive father. She mentioned that his quick temper didn’t do much to keep her in line, but it did teach her to be a really good liar. She felt she had to be to protect herself and her sister.
Abuse may be on the far end of the spectrum, but when we have an explosive response to mistakes or tend to assign consequences that are out of balance with the behavior, we actually encourage more dishonesty.
So now we understand a bit more about why kids may not tell the truth, now the question is what should we do about it? Most experts agree that overreacting or shaming your child will do little to help and may even be counterproductive when you consider the link between dishonesty and shame. Here are a few approaches to consider:
Talk About Reality
Regularly talk about truth vs fiction. While reading stories, playing pretend, or watching a show, pause now and then and ask, “That’s pretty fun/silly/etc., but could it really happen?” “Is this a true story or a fiction story?” This simple exercise helps kids with understanding what it means to tell the truth, while also helping to build a vital literacy skill as well.
Allow Time for Thought and Clarity
Sometimes when you catch a child presenting an untruth, the best thing to do is to wait. As my older son wove a tale, I listened with a contemplative “hmm”, honestly trying to decide how to respond. As I bought time for myself, I was unknowingly also giving him the time he needed to clarify things himself. A short pause was followed by, “Well, it didn’t really happen, but it would be funny if it did.” Which I followed with, “Well that makes more sense! I was starting to feel a little confused!”
For older children in particular, just offering think time can untangle the web on its own. If your child needs prompting, sincere questions like, “That sounds a little confusing to me, because I know…” will give him the opportunity he needs to straighten things out on his own terms.
Create an Honest Culture
Make it clear that honesty is a trait that you value. Teach this by example.
Teach it with stories like The Boy Who Cried Wolf, George Washington and that cherry tree, or even better– your own life. Point out honesty and dishonesty and their consequences in books and shows.
Make it clear that you value honesty over perfection. “We all make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time. What matters most to me is that you know you can always tell me what really happened.”
Thank your kids for telling the truth and let them know that you understand how hard it can be sometimes. Remember that kids often lie in an attempt to please YOU, so emphasize how much happier you are to know the truth than to be saved from bad news.
Avoid Lose/Lose Questions
Too often we set kids up to lie. We know they’ve done wrong and we paint them into a corner. In a sense, we’re almost lying ourselves by pretending we don’t know. We present a lose/lose question: disappoint me by lying or disappoint me with the truth.
Instead of asking if a child committed the misdeed, state what you know first. “I noticed you had a cookie…” or “I noticed you left your homework here.” Follow up with “…Tell me about that.” or “What do you think should be done about that?”
Developmentally Appropriate Isn’t Always Socially Appropriate
At the bottom line, we know that lying is a normal part of development. In and of itself, it isn’t cause for great alarm. We also know, however, that when a tool works for a child, the child will continue to use it. The longer they use it, the more it becomes a habit. An obviously tall tale at 4 may not be much cause for concern, but a habit of deceit at 10 may become a huge problem.
Don’t ignore the behavior, but don’t overreact either. Be honest, value and reward honesty, and talk about honesty casually and frequently. Honesty is a virtue, and virtues take time and effort to be established.
Do you have experience with childhood whoppers? What approach do you take?
Interesting Reads:
How to Handle Little Liars {WSJ}
The Truth About Lying {Scholastic}
Why Kids Lie — Age by Age {Parenting}
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Thanks for these great suggestions.
For a while my son had trouble differentiating between when someone was lying or was simply incorrect.
For example, he might ask something like “Where is x?” I’ll say, “I don’t know. It should be in your toy box. Look there.” When he finds it somewhere else he’ll say, “It was on the bookshelf. You lied.” How do I explain that being incorrect isn’t the same thing as lying?
At age 4, Julia is just starting to be able to weigh the pros and cons of telling the truth, and I can almost see the little wheels spinning in her head about it. Yesterday I asked her if she did…something, I can’t remember what – I thought she had but I wasn’t 100% sure it wasn’t her brother – and she asked if there was going to be “a big problem” if she did. (Her father sometimes uses that phrase when he wants the kids to stop doing something they shouldn’t be doing – they really are little parrots at this age, aren’t they?)
I keep reinforcing to her that she will never get in trouble for telling the truth but that I don’t like it at all when she lies, and so far it seems to be working. I can see her hesitate, but she usually tells the truth from the start, and when she doesn’t a little gentle questioning can usually get her to tell me what really happened.
I’m sure it’s going to get harder as she gets older and the stakes get higher, so I am bookmarking this for future reference. Great stuff, this! xo
I love these posts about lying. I have pretty strong views about lying and I know many little kids who are liars (and older kids, and adults too). Totally agree with your point about the “Honesty Culture” … I think that should be #1!
I’ve been working very hard to keep my four kids from lying. When they go over to other people’s houses for playdates I’ve recieved a few comments that “so-and-so blames the dog or the baby, but your kids don’t lie”. I find that kids have to learn how to lie. Therefore, there is this great opportunity as an involved parent, right around 3 or 4 where kids are starting to figure out that other people can’t read their minds. Kids are incompetent liars so you can catch them easily. It’s not everyone’s preference, but I apply severe consequences to lies, simply because lying is a character defect. As a result, my kids don’t lie much at all. If they don’t want to tell us something, they don’t tell us (which is way better to me than lying).
Anyway, what do you think about that? Sometimes I think a tough but quick lesson is better than long, less intense trials. Wrote about it: How to Deal With Lying Kids. I totally agree with you that there are untruths that are not lies, like the child forgetting, or telling a joke, or making up a story. Those are no problem — I’m just very against deliberate lying. Maybe it’s because I was lied to several times by business partners and lost some money in the process. Thanks for the post!
Hi Amanda! I used to lie A LOT as a child, and to rob loose items too. I didn´t have an inner voice to warn me about it, or it whispered too softly into my line of thoughts (we call it “the voice of conscience” in Spanish). I can perfectly recall the day I decided not to lie anymore, I was over ten years old. If a lie would come out of my mouth unwillingly, I would immediately say “no, that´s not true”, to force me to stop lying. As I grew up, I thought many times about this, and being a teacher and mom I wonder many times why kids lie. The main reason in my personal experience became to be: being afraid of the adults angry reaction, so they lie for self preservation as you mention in your post. Then for me, what has worked best is letting me know I never get angry when they tell me the truth, we´ll just try to find a solution to solve whatever happened. I used to tell them “I DO get upset when you lie to me, not when you tell me the truth”. But now, writing this, I realize this is not the best solution. I´m sure a culture of honesty is the best, and that culture is only fostered with trust. Mutual trust.
I don´t believe lying is a characteristic of childhood but a result of a particular culture, that now has spread all over the globe. The more we consider and respect children as whole human beings, the more we will be creating a culture of trust and respect where lies will fade in the shades of history.
Love you Amanda and your spirit sharing so much and so respectfully,
Fernanda
Fantastic points!! I need to remember to give them time to answer appropriately and not back them into a corner! Thanks for the great reminder.
Kids lie. Heck adults lie. But kids, especially younger, really DON’T know they are lying. My son is five…he lies. Sometimes he is so good at it, I’m confused! I usually ask “is that REALLY hwat happened?” He’ll repeat the lie. And then I have to say his name and he’ll tell me “no this is what happened” and I reiterate how impt the truth is to tell even though its hard sometimes but he’s more likely to get in trouble lying then telling the truth. I just figure its a developmental thing and he’ll get over it. I honestly don’t see malice aforethought in a 5 yr old and think if I were crazy with the punishing he would learn to be an even better liar. That being said what is UP with kids cutting up things? Their favorite things. The other day he had scissors and started cutting a tag on the dog’s bed because scissors have a tendency to slip cough cough I said Id rather you not do that. You can cut the tags off of your own toys. 5 minutes later his favorite pillow pet was decimated! I couldn’t believe it! Of course, I then asked the stupid “why did you do that?” And got “I wanted to see the inside” followed by “I wanted a piece of the fur” followed by hysterical crying beacause it had to be thrown out and I was NOT buying a new one. I honestly didn’t know how to respond because it felt so dumb…I could see cutting a toy you don’t like! And his dog gets toys from DI as chews so he knows what they look like inside! How to stop that? He was cut off from scissors after “seeing whhat the couch had inside” for a while but hoonestly he needs to work on fine motor skills. Sigh…oh another thing he does is make up another family…they are in the army and very permissive. At first I found it disturbing and would say “well you know you don’t really have a dad and another mom” but then I just decided it works for him, he’s not doing it to hurt me or really be decietful and he’ll grow out of it. Frankly, the less I’ve responded to it just saying uh huh or that’s interesting the less they’ve been mentioned. A few weeks ago he developed two new pets that went to school with him everyday. He’d tell me about their day together and then about two days ago he said he let them go back into the wild. I don’t see that as lying I just see him using imaginary playmates to deal with his life, make it more fun, whatever.
Hi! I´m back. I couldn´t stop thinking about this post all day. And I talked with my kids about it, asking them whether they lie and why. It was so great! Because I usually ask them when I doubt about what they tell me. But today, not having told a lie at that right time improved their honest predisposition to talk about the issue. Different ages answered in very different ways, which didn´t surprise me. But the great thing was we invented a game to differenciate false from truth and real from fiction. I made a hard to believe statement, such as: Teacher, I arrived late today because a dinosaur fell on the street. I asked them: true or false? They agreed it was false. Then I told them: find out a way to explain this as turth. Then they got creative!! A helicopter was carrying a fosile and it fell on the street, a big dinosaur signboard fell on the street, etc. We did it many times creating improbable but possible situations and I found this to be a great excersice to understand the difference between true and false and the importance to see facts in a wide context before judging them. Hope you like the game idea and enjoy playing it as much as we did.
Hi Amanda,
Thank you *so* much for such a well-written and thoughtful article about lying. Lying is one of those developmental stages that children go through, and parents are searching for ways to respond. Most of our typical responses exacerbate the problem! I’m so grateful for this post – I will share it far and wide!
Warmly, Emily
Like the above poster, I’ve been thinking about this all day. Frankly, I don’t know that it benefits our children to develop an honest culture. The reason being, as i have been out in the world, I’ve noticed the world lies. And those who don’t, are often either taken advantage of OR seen as bad because they are not liars – it makes the liars uncomfortable. I grew up with pretty dishonest people, therefore, as a protection I learned to be hyper-honest. I would never ever never want to be accused of being a liar. Well, that didn’t serve me well. 1. Most people lie, because they do they think everyone does. Even if you DON’T lie, they think you do because they do. As I said above, 2. if you don’t lie and don’t expect others to, it really is confusing that people do and you can be taken advantage of 3. people don’t like honesty. really they don’t. especially here in Utah the culture of “let’s be nice to everyone’s face and say mean things behind their back passive agressiveness” Me, not being this way, have lost a job because of it; people I thought were friends AND had a difficult time getting another job because I was labeled “agressive” by those that were totally nice to my face but talked about me behind my back. And frankly, all I did was tell those people honestly what I saw them as, which is what they were. So…I don’t know that honesty is going to be the number one quality I want my son to develop.
Oh Nina! I’m so sad that happened to you! 🙁 I’ve been there! I also struggle with being an honest person when others aren’t. I think the trick is to practice diplomacy. Children can learn to tell the truth (even ones that are hard for others to hear) in a loving, respectful way. And that comes through experience. Growing up in a culture of honesty would also mean recognizing when others are dishonest. And you are exactly right, the world is full of lies. So why not try to make it less so by teaching our kids to recognize dishonesty in themselves and others, and then teach them to bravely tell the truth with kindness and respect? For example, when my niece tells me my butt looks big in a pair of pants I respond by saying, “Is that true? Hmmm. It would be more helpful for me if you said, ‘your pants are nice, but I like your skirt better.” She can still share her observation, but in a way that’s not hurtful and I don’t have to be seen in jeans that make my butt look big.
You are my hero. My family was asking about lying this weekend and I was so tired and preoccupied, I couldn’t come up with the appropriate response, though I knew what it was. I just forwarded this post on to them with the statement, that if I can’t help them with something I know you can. You’re brilliant and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate that you share your insights with us!
Thank you for your insights. My mother-in-law was mom to 5 boys and an experienced educator. She always said, never call children liars. Just tell them, we must always tell it right. I thought that was good advice for my own children.
Someone once taught me that if you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything, as your story will check out time and time again. When you tell lies, you have to remember which lie you’ve told. So in a nutshell, tell the truth, it’s way more easy to handle 🙂
informative…..