“There will be no bullies here because there will be no victims.”
This was the quote from the principal on Back to School Night at the school my friend’s daughter attends. My friend thought the perspective was awesome. Refreshing. But not everyone felt that way.
“What? Are they just ignoring the victims and pretending there is no bullying?”
No, not at all.
At this school, children are still held very much accountable for their behavior. But in this school, and hopefully in many other schools and homes, people are beginning to recognize that there are two sides to the bullying equation.
Bullies and Victims
Bullies are bullies and I don’t want to minimize the cruelty that far too many people experience. But I am a little concerned about the imbalance that can be created when our good intentions put too much attention on the actions of bullies and not enough power at the disposal of their targets.
Because at its core, bullying is about an unhealthy imbalance of power.
You see, every time we try to dissuade kids from bullying by telling the stories of how much hurt and pain they inflict, we’re only focused on one side of the equation. The victims become objects of another child’s actions. With too much emphasis on the bullies we put all the power in their hands. “Stop bullying by not being a bully,” we tell kids. This is all well and good, but in a way, we’re communicating that all the control is on one side of the equation.
Those on the other side of the equation need more power and less fear.
We need to teach kids not to bully, of course, but we also have to teach kids not to be victims. That education starts long before their school days, and it will serve them long after.
- We have to teach them that their voice will always be listened to and valued by us.
- We have to teach them not to accept mistreatment from others.
- We need them to know how to be assertive and stand up for themselves and others, to bring problems to trusted adults, to problem solve with each other, and to avoid toxic people.
- We need to build real self-esteem and help children to avoid putting stock in the opinions of other people, particularly those who are simply cruel.
As this month happens to be Bullying Prevention Month, let’s focus not only removing power from bullies, but also on empowering those who would be victims.
Here are some awesome resources on this Hot Topic:
What to Do About Bullying {The Mother Co.}
Raising Children to Stand Up for Themselves and Others {The Mother Co.}
Top 4 Strategies to Empower Your Child Against Bullying {Sally Thibault via YouTube}
Resources to Fight Bullying and Harassment {Edutopia}
It’s a Hot Topic, so I know you have an opinion! What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments!
It is very important to teach our kids how to be assertive.
The greatest gift one of my child’s preschool teachers gave her was how to handle a girl in the class who hit. The teacher taught my child to firmly say “stop, I don’t like that” then move away and then find a teacher if she needed further help. (The teacher handled the child who was hitting separately.)
At back to school night for my first grader this year, the school director said they don’t talk about bullying because, in her opinion, you get what you talk about. So they talk about respect. I really liked that.
It seems that bullying is discussed alot lately. One day my first grader was completely fried after school. She’s had a tough adjustment moving from an NAEYC accredited early childhood center to a traditional first grade where, in her words, “kids just sit at desks.” She hopped into the car and the cranky words began, complete with a whack towards her little sister. I can’t help but wonder if many the current social problems in schools, like bullying and other forms of aggression, come from kids who are strung so tight from developmentally inappropriate practices (which results in unmet social, emotional and physical needs), too much testing, too much pressure, just too much of what is wrong for them.
“…They don’t talk about bullying because, in her opinion, you get what you talk about. So they talk about respect.” <- I love that! And I think you've definitely hit on something with children's behavior in general being linked to unmet needs. So many places where those needs go unmet or could potentially be met, but in general if there are more true needs being unmet overall, it stands to reason that behavior would become more problematic overall as well. Food for thought as we consider behavior trends. I also agree that teachers need to take the time to teach kids how to stand up and handle their own problems. Not in a dismissive way, but an empowering way. Just like in your example, when a child comes to me saying something like "He's chasing me" or "She keeps grabbing my arm" I usually give them the words to respond, rather than responding for them. "Tell him/her you don't like that." Then I watch to follow up if needed. But it's amazing how suddenly confident they become when you give them those tools! Thanks for such thought-provoking comments.
Soooo true! I really agree with you! I dont want to force nor convince kids/parents that they must be ready for school. Is school READY for kids? Is it ready to respond to their developmental needs applying respectful, insightful and appropriate practices? And even beyond that point, addressing the bullying equation: I totally agree we need to remove the victimization. And this can surely be done by offering more power and less fear to children who tend to become “victims”. But which are the practices teachers will implement to nourish self-esteem, to let children know their voice matters, to show them adults are trustable and assertive people? Sometimes I feel we all know what to do, but not how to do it. Thank you!
We’ve been thinking about, and talking about this a bit lately… I firmly believe that to deal with this problem you have to look at more than just the bully. I love the idea of not having ‘victims’ and lately my kids and I have been talking about what they could do as a ‘bystander’… because I think that is the other part of this equation, how the group responds.
Great point, Kate! There is a lot of research out there more recently pointing – just as you said- to the powerful role that bystanders play. One report I read said that bystanders are more likely to actively join with the aggressor than with the target. Addressing the issue by focusing on bystanders and the choices they have and the power they hold could be very effective. Thanks for bringing that up!
Excellent topic. I am glad that my daughter’s school has a very good anti-bullying program with focus on kindness, on group response and on being able to stand up for yourself and your friend. In September all school read The Simon’s Hook and built “word shields” with various ideas on what can be said to the bully and how to protect themselves against bullying.
Thanks for the book mention. That would be an interesting one to look into!
Thanks for this post! In so many respects we need to empower children with the tools to protect and speak up for themselves, but we also need to stop looking at individual children as “bullies.” (A whole separate issue, I know.) Children’s dynamics are far too complex for that; though some may have more “aggressive” tendencies, every child can exist as a bully in some form or setting. My “petite” daughter attended an all-male nursery school one day per week early on, and as a result, she will often physically assert herself if “threatened,” but she is all sweetness and light otherwise 😉
You make a great point about labeling, Jennifer! I’ve cringed too when I’ve heard people (kids and adults) call someone a bully. That term carries so much weight these days, we have to be SO careful in how we use it. When my own boys refer to someone as a bully, I usually ask them why they chose that word. Their answers usually do not fit my definition of a bully, rather it’s a one-time social problem or even the simple fact that someone is bigger and intimidating to them without any malicious intent. At the same time that we as a society have made bullying more heinous and serious by drawing attention to the serious potential effects, I worry that with the same awareness we’ve also caused kids (and adults!) to use the term more often, in situations where it doesn’t belong.
Jennifer – Thank you for making this point. My oldest was labeled as a bully at his previous school but has had none of those problems at his current school. At his current school, the dynamics are different: the teachers are more involved in teaching kids how to interact and problem solve and no one is labeled in that way. Frankly, the post’s claim that “Bullies are bullies” is way too simplistic, especially when we are talking about children.
GREAT piece!!! I am feeling the need to highlight it in an upcoming article for my blog. You are right on point with your suggestions that we need to empower the victims of bullying. As a veteran high school educator (34 years) bullying has, and likely always will be, a factor. Finding strategies to empower victims will be a key to decreasing (even eliminating) the impact bullies have as it removes the power they so adamantly yield against others. We need to give bullied individuals options….choices that build their self-esteem rather than diminish it, something the bully is looking to do as their intention is to “hurt” the victim. Again….nice piece.