My husband is the oldest of eight.
Eight.
I don’t know how his parents even survived that, let alone how they turned out eight amazing kids, but you’d better believe they expected their kids to pitch in to a reasonable degree. My husband, being the oldest, had plenty of opportunities for responsibilities.
As family lore goes, one day his mom asked him to do something…… and he talked back. Politely.
My husband, calm and logical even as a kid, essentially said, “Mom, you’ve asked me to do X, but I’m also responsible for Y. I also have this, that, and the other that I’m supposed to get done too. Which thing would you like me to do?”
He wasn’t being sassy. He wasn’t being rude. He was communicating.
If kids learning to communicate is back-talking, then I say, “bring it on”.
His mom hadn’t realized that all his responsibilities were piling up, and if he didn’t speak up, she wouldn’t figure it out until things started falling apart.
Kids need to learn to be obedient and follow directions…. but not blindly.
Kids also need to learn to disagree, be assertive, and even talk back….but not rudely.
It may seem these two objectives are juxtaposed, but they really go hand in hand. Like so many things in life, it’s about striking the right balance, and overcoming the temptation to live life in philosophical polarities.
We want kids who are able to follow directions and be respectful of authority. But we also need them to be willing to stand up, even to authority, when the situation requires it. Authority and peer pressure start to look an awful lot alike as life goes on, and neither is universally nor unequivocally correct. I want my kids to be able to talk back to both when the conversation is taking a wrong turn.
Like anything else, we have to model and we have to teach. I try not to over-react when my kids disagree with me, though it may require some extra deep breathing. But I do take the opportunity to walk them through the appropriate way to communicate assertively rather than disrespectfully, to share ideas and concerns and not just cut people off. That exercise in communication requires that the expectation for respect in conversation goes both ways.
Whether it’s voicing an uncommon viewpoint in a meeting, standing up to a friend who’s offering drugs, standing with someone who’s being picked on, saying NO to a predator who’s trying to lure them in, or simply letting a playmate know he’s not OK with the way a game’s being played, I hope that throughout life, my kids have learned not just to be polite, but to speak up and talk back now and then too.
More Heat:
The Pitfalls of Obedience Training {Peaceful Parent}
The Reason Every Kid Should Talk Back to Their Parents {Kelly M. Flanagan, Huffington Post}
Awesome! I still get annoyed that to this day, I can’t freely communicate with my parents. They think disagreeing is back talking. However, I must admit that tone is key! And I’m notoriously whiny with my parents. So I guess that’s the reason I’m still to this day “back talking” to them. My sister, who doesn’t have kids of her own, does bring up that my four-year-old daughter is talking back to me. We have different thresholds. I let it go a lot with my daughter when she’s tired or cranky.
So true! Tone really is key. I have a very low threshold for sassiness, but I try to make it clear to my kids that they are welcome to disagree if they can do it without being disagreeable!
I remember my mom telling me this as a teenager because we talked back a lot. Mostly appropriately but not always. In 7th grade I politely disagreed with a teacher when he suggested women can provoke sexual assault by wearing suggestive clothing. When he told me I was wrong I then politely walked out of class to the principals office because I was worried about the message he was sending to boys in the class. I didn’t get in a lick of trouble from the school or home. I remember my friends saying their parents would kill them and I knew mine wouldn’t as long as I wasn’t “lippy” which was my parent speak for disrespectful.
Loved this!
I have never understand why ‘talking back’ seems to universally bad… sure, the way you say something is important, but questioning in a respectful polite manner is also ok with me. 🙂
I agree whole heartedly. It’s so important for kids to have the confidence to stand up for themselves, question situations that don’t feel right and “talk back” to an adult for their own safety. I tell my daycare kids that we can always talk, disagree and negotiate – as long as we do it respectfully.
I also let them know that there may be times that they need to use their loud and powerful voices – if someone is trying to hurt them, or if they need help for example. I want them to know it’s OK not to just “talk back” but to yell if they get into a dangerous situation.
I have a pretty low threshold for whining and being rude but I also want kids to feel they can speak up if they don’t like something, rather than just quietly going along.