I have a dilemma.
I am naturally prone to worry. I have a very vivid and rather creative imagination that conjures up all the things that could possibly, ever, in the course of any given moment, go horribly, terribly, and devastatingly wrong. I have a strong desire to help too much, stand too close, and otherwise hover.
Yet on the other hand, knowing what I know about children and their developmental needs for independence, conflict, and even danger, I’m sure that to others, I can actually appear a bit too hands-off.
Considering this bizarre world we live in where four year olds can be sued for bicycle accidents, preschool bloggers are chastised by readers for including toothpicks in activities (the horror!), and schools set out to ban running on playgrounds because of “safety issues”, I’m guessing I’m not the only one feeling conflicted about the proper balance of safety and risk.
I was reading an interesting article recently about international parenting styles. The author shared the story of an American parent at a preschool in Sweden who was more than a little concerned when she found a three year old high up in a tree, seemingly without any supervision. She looked around for a teacher, then noticed another parent coming along who simply chatted with the child, completely indifferent to what this parent felt was a clear and present danger.
I totally related when she was quoted as saying, “I think of myself as an open-minded parent, and yet here I was, wanting to tell a child to come down from a tree.”
I thought immediately of my own preschooler’s newly acquired skill for scaling trees this past summer. He was so proud of himself, and I was so proud of him too. I spent half my childhood in the canopies of my favorite trees.
And yet, I have to confess, I could breathe a lot easier once his feet were back on solid ground.
There’s a natural and noble desire to save our children from any and all harm. But sometimes what seems to be helpful, may actually turn out to be harmful.
Concern for safety is one of the top reasons cited for declines in natural, independent, and unstructured play. As I have previously written, the irony is that some researchers assert that the combined lack of free play and risk is actually to blame for a rise in psychopathology. Conditions like anxiety, depression, and even narcissism may all be linked to a widespread need for more risk, play, and autonomy. Kids need to face fears, overcome challenges, and build independence in order to perceive themselves as competent and follow a healthy path of development.
So where’s the real danger?
In a box of toothpicks? Or in a generation of parents and children who are afraid of them?
Where do you think the balance lies between safety and risk?
Check out the resources in the section below and let us know what you think!
More Heat:
Is There Danger in Play or More in its Absence? {NJC}
5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kids Do {Gever Tulley, TED U}
I read that same article! Thirty years ago when my oldest son was 6 he attended a year of public school (with no recess time!) until we decided to educate both sons at home. They had loads of outdoor, risk taking adventures together, and separately. My tender oldest son is an amazing adventurer, traveling the world without the apparent fears others (me included!) have.
I still worry about his ‘safety’ as though he was a little boy high in that tree but I must have faith in the solid foundation we gave him. The worry never stops!
Love your blog Amanda!
I struggle with this A LOT. It’s as if I’ve made one of my primary responsibilities as mother, risk-manager.
I was thinking the other day that access to information has made it worse for me than, say, my mom. It’s not just that I can imagine what could go wrong, but I can often reference stories of real life tragedies. Since I’ve been a mother, a boy in our area who loved climbing trees on his family’s property fell and died. Every time my kids climb I think about that boy. I try to avoid the news now, but sometimes I still stumble upon sad stories of fatal childhood accidents. Most recently I read about a boy who went out to play with his buddies in a rainstorm and drown in a flash flood. My heart breaks for these mamas.
Fortunately, my husband doesn’t worry about anything and is great about encouraging our girls to be adventurous and me to relax. My 4-year-old even says, “don’t worry Mommy, God watches over me.” I’m working on giving them freedom and calming my fears, but I don’t think I’ll be able to let go enough to let them play unsupervised until the street lights come on like my husband did as a child. It’s not so much a fear of injury – their scrapes and bruises don’t bother me – but of losing them forever. I realize this is dramatic and paranoid.
“Last Child in the Woods” has been on my nightstand for a few weeks. I know this is an area I need to work on. I like the idea of raising adventurous kids, but the real-life application in my own family makes me SO uncomfortable.
I completely relate to what you just said, Sarah! You describe my own thought patterns exactly. I think I’ve always been prone to worry, but being a mother compounded that a million-fold! It’s such a challenge to find the right balance intellectually, but also emotionally!
One thing I keep reminding myself is that the best path to real safety is through teaching them the skills rather than avoiding the challenge. For example, when I worry about some of the hazards of hiking the Narrows in Zion Canyon, I remind myself that my boys will probably go hiking there one day — with or without me and my husband. My best path to serenity is to do my best to teach them how to do that activity safely and with awareness so that when they go out alone with their buddies as teenagers or college students, they’ll know how to do it right. Sometimes I think once we decide kids are “old enough” to do things safely, we send them out on their own and they have no real experience or awareness of risk management. That’s what makes things really dangerous!
We live out in the country in OK and last weekend our friend brought her 7 year old grandson to visit my 4.5 year old boy. They played outside and the older boy asked if they could go exploring over by the pond. My reaction was “No” but our friend said he was very responsible and to trust him that he knew what to do… so I gave in and let them go exploring. I always tell my son wherever we go “IF I CAN’T SEE YOU I CAN’T SAVE YOU” (this saying has worked very well when I let him play outside by himself) .Well for a moment I couldn’t see him and I wanted to call his name but I trusted that our friend knew her grandson’s ability. After about 10 minutes they came back, no one got hurt and they had a blast.
I very much resonate with the quote you shared!! My husband is a pretty good balance to the worrier in me. I feel like I try to learn from him. He’ll give my 5 year old a hammer, with some guidelines and demonstrations, and then let him hammer the tree next to the area where my husband is working. Whatever the tool, he is more apt to guide and allow where I just want to say “no”. I love what you said about feeling the kids are finally old enough to know things- I think I already do that with my 5 year old, to be frank. I also try not to get too freaked out when I’ve finally given them some space, but then something happens that is scary (to me) while they are unaware. So hard.
We live in a big city, and I let my kids do a lot of “dangerous” things, like climb trees and range around the park (within my sight or hearing distance) by themselves, or push their younger brother in the stroller somewhere or run ahead of me on the sidewalk (with carefully planned stopping points in places where they have been taught to wait because of busy driveways), and just recently I got in a lot of trouble for it. My 9 and 7 yr old’s bus stop is about 100 yards from our door and I have two younger children and its cold here in the winter. I have been letting them walk to the bus stop and back with their friend who is 12. The bus driver requested that I write a note giving them permission for this, as it is against the bus policies. So I did. But that wasn’t enough. I then had to get a special consent form sent home from the school saying that I take full responsibility for not picking them up at the bus, etc, etc. I had to sign that form as well as giving the vice principal of our school verbal consent for their walk to the bus. It makes me feel really guilty for giving them that little bit of independence, but I still do it because I think they will be better off for it when they are older, and it makes my life just a little bit simpler. I think a little danger is fine, as long as it is accompanied with teaching. I teach them what they need to know, I remind and coach them for a while, and then I let them fly. Periodically I check that they are staying within their boundaries, and correct things if they are not.