Do you ever feel overwhelmed by good parenting advice? Ever feel like your head might explode, not only from the sheer volume of well-meaning recommendations, but also from the mind-numbing contradictions among “experts”? Ever sat on the verge of tears (or completely gushing with them) because of the thoughtless, misguided, or — even worse — totally spot-on critiquing of your parenting?
I can say “yes” to every single one.
But as my head begins to spin, or my eyes fill up with those tears, I remember a lesson I learned way back at the beginning of my mothering days.
You are the expert.
When our oldest son was about six months old, he was not only still waking at night, but began waking every two hours. Exhausted and frustrated, I went to the local library and essentially cleared out the shelves in the parenting section, snagging every book I could find that promised an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
I still vividly remember my husband returning home from work one day and coming into our son’s room, where I sat rocking him and reading one of these books at the same time. On the floor around me were four or five more books that had been examined for the secret to sleep. He asked if the experts had any great gifts to offer our beleaguered little family. Becoming emotional (as tends to happen to tired moms) I explained that each book seemed to recommend something different. How could I know what to do when one book suggested one technique while the other said the complete opposite?
My husband, who has a tendency to give sage advice, said, “At some point you just have to close the books and listen to yourself. You are his mom. That makes you the expert on him.” From that perspective I was finally able to take the information that I had read, sift out the principles, and apply them in a way that felt right to me and worked best within our family.
I believe that with the stewardship of parenthood comes the capacity to know your child like no one else does. To know their needs in an intimate, spiritual way. I believe that those who recognize and nurture the sacred nature of this relationship will be inspired in ways no PhD can ever compensate for.
You have an obligation to be informed, of course, to weigh decisions wisely, but ultimately the decision you make will not be the choice that is right for the experts. It will be the choice that’s right for your child.
So here’s your permission to ignore good parenting advice. Even if it comes from me.
(This post is part of The Myth of Perfect Parenting series. Catch up, starting here.)
***This popular series has led to the transformative ecourse, Letting Go of Perfect: The art and science of being an awesome mom without losing your mind. This course only opens a few times a year, so be sure to get on the wait list to be notified as soon as it opens again!
Kara says
Ahhhh thank you for this!!! I have a seven-month-old and wish I would have been able to read this eight months ago! I just sent it to all of my pregnant friends!
Kara says
I read parenting books all the time and I have learned so much from them. Sometimes I am amazed at how little research parents do. That said, you are totally right once you have educated yourself you need to apply that to your child and only you know your child, not the experts. This has been a lesson that has really been driven home for me as two of my three children have recently been diagnosed with learning and attention disorders.
erin says
thank you. this post came at the perfect time!
rick ackerly says
YES. AND:
1) kids are more resilient than you think and
b) you aren’t as powerful as you think.
Amanda Jillian says
Very true =]
Jessica @ Early Endeavors says
Yes, yes and yes! There’s a lot of beautiful, sound parenting advice out there. But sometimes you have to just tune in to your own innate wisdom about your child. Together you’ll figure it out!
Jamie says
That’s great advice for people that actually clue into the cues their child gives them. Someone I know read this the worst mother I know. Her kids are neglected, not fed meals, have no routine, are brushed to the side, and are not thriving. In her eyes she was just given permission to ignore the gentle guidance that her kids need certain things that she isn’t giving them.
Jill says
Thanks for this article… It is so important to look inside my own heart and my own relationship with my children for insight into my parenting.
Bekka says
I was always afraid of this thing intuition, me being the expert. I have never felt like one. As Harper has grown older I’ve realized I do more know than I give myself credit for and the best thing to do is shut the book and trust the connection parents are specially given to their children. I couldn’t agree with what you’ve said more.