An amazing friend of mine wrote a post entitled, “100 Ways to Be Kind to Your Child“. It’s a fantastic piece, one written by a real mom with all the sincerity of her heart. She’s a mom who knows as well as any that there are times when the stress of the day piles on until you feel like you could very well snap. So she created this great resource. 100 ideas for a parent to choose to be kind, and to be intentional and mindful in those simple acts of kindness. (You really should read it.)
Yet with that post, as with many like it, too many parents see it — not as a list of 100 diverse ideas so that hopefully, maybe, at least one will resonate with them and be that answer they needed — but as a list of 100 more things they have to do to be “good enough”. 100 more reasons to feel guilty about not being a perfect parent. 100 more ways they might be ruining their kids.
Stop it.
Parenting is not a test (as Kate Fairlie wrote perfectly at Childhood 101). You’re not going to find an answer key in a blog post, one against which you can measure your performance and assign a grade.
You’ll find some great suggestions. Some will be just what you needed to hear. Some won’t be right for you. Not right now. But that’s no reason to think you’ve got it all wrong.
In this Information Age it is easy to find so many wonderful resources, so many new ideas. Though we can now access this seemingly unlimited wealth of knowledge all from a little phone in our back pockets we are still mere mortals ourselves. We can only do so much right now.
And chances are, those who write all those brilliant lists don’t intend for you to do it all at once anyway. Usually they’re just hoping you’ll be inspired by something. Just one thing.
So the next time you feel overwhelmed when you read about all the things you could be doing with your kids, let go of the guilt. Pat yourself on the back for what you are already doing (whether it made the list or not). Ask yourself if there’s one thing on that list you could work on. Just one. One thing you think would mean something to your child.
Focusing on that one will accomplish much more than feeling guilty about the other 99 ever will.
This is part of the Myth of Perfect Parenting Series. Read them all, starting here.
***This popular series has led to the transformative ecourse, Letting Go of Perfect: The art and science of being an awesome mom without losing your mind. This course only opens a few times a year, so be sure to get on the wait list to be notified as soon as it opens again!
“Focusing on that one will accomplish much more than feeling guilty about the other 99 ever will.”
Yes! It’s so easy to get caught up in all the things we’re not doing “right.” Especially when we can now compare ourselves to thousands and thousands of moms instead of just our neighbors or church friends. Online networking and learning can be such a great tool for ideas and inspiration or it can simply be another opportunity to show us our failure. The choice is ours.
“The choice is ours” — exactly. It’s all about perspective and self-talk. Do you want to be uplifted or wallow in guilt and pity? I think I know what my choice is! Thanks so much for adding to the conversation, Steph!
Oh my goodness, this is SO, SO good! You make some brilliant points here that are SO achievable to parents. I smiled when I read the words “Stop it.” I mean, this is exactly what we need to say to ourselves when we start going down that path of “not good enough.” By going to that place of guilt and shame, we squelch any chance of meaningful connection — like you said, we miss the chance to even do ONE of those ideas. Thank you for this beautiful piece of parenting inspiration that can be applied to so many areas of life.
Thank you so much, Rachel. I love your writing, so it’s always a rush to get a compliment from you! I’m especially glad you liked the “Stop it” line. I worried about including it, but you’re right — it’s exactly what we need to say to ourselves! I also love your point about connection. That’s really what it’s about, so anything that keeps us from being emotionally available for true connection is detrimental. Thank you always for your inspiration!
I love the message behind this post Amanda! So often it feels like a difficult balance when writing a blog to make sure we are not coming across as “preachy” or condescending, especially when we are presenting lists of ideas and activities that could be tried with kids. You’re totally right to say that doing just one, happily, is SO much more important than feeling guilty about the ones we don’t do. Thank you for writing this and I hope all of our readers see it too!