My views on spanking are no secret. (You can find links under the “More Heat” heading to read more about that.) And I’m certainly a fan of nerdy stats and research findings. So it might come as a surprise to some that the post, “5 Reasons You Aren’t ‘Fine’ if You Were Spanked as a Child” from the Stir really got under my skin.
The premise of the post is that research shows many undesirable outcomes that have been connected to being spanked as a child, therefore those who defend spanking by saying “I was spanked and I’m fine” don’t really have a solid argument. However, the title and overall tone essentially say, “If you were spanked as a child, you’re broken”. Perhaps more subtle, but also more dangerous, there’s an underlying message that if you’ve spanked your kids – ever – they’re broken too.
To me, this is just another example of good research applied poorly.
I could fill much of this post with the questions my lovable curmudgeon of a research methods professor would want me to ask. But here’s the biggest flaw in my view:
It’s a perpetuation of the horrible myth that “it’s too late”, and that’s incredibly unfortunate.
I’m not defending spanking here, but you can’t expect to change people by telling them it’s too late for them. You can’t hope to heal hearts by telling them you can’t overcome your past.
So let me say it again, as I’ve said before:
More Heat:
It’s Never Too Late {NJC}
The Myth of Perfect Parenting {NJC}
Spanking: The Post I Finally Had to Write {NJC}
Spare the Rod: What Spanking Teaches Children {NJC}
More on how to instill discipline with better tools in my ebook, Parenting with Positive Guidance, and other resources found in my products list!
Our Power to Change {Dr. Dan Siegel}
Beautiful!
I agree that this is an important clarification for people. I just had a very civilized conversation with a friend yesterday that defends spanking because she and her siblings “survived and did not become violent.” We got into a discussion about violence stemming from the “occasional needed spanking” and I shared that I was spanked as a child, was fearful of it, but would become angry after. I was angry because I
didn’t feel I was being respected when my parents were trying to teach me respect. I think everyone handles their discipline differently….some just don’t stop being angry, and some move on and learn from their mistakes. I have my demons but I dont think I’m broken because I’ve made “mistakes” with my own children, but I have worked very very hard to move past them and learn better methods.
I love this post and I’m crying as I type. I was NOT spanked as a child, but I do spank my 5 year old. And I hate every single second of it. I spank him when gentle reminders and time outs don’t work. He’s a very, very strong willed boy, doesn’t take us seriously, laughs at us when we discipline, is hateful and mean to his little brother, is outright defiant and mouthy. But he’s also a wonderful child, who is kind, caring, can love on his brother and play so well with him, loves to cuddle and read stories.
I can see him shut down and get angry when I spank him. It’s all over his face. And it hurts me so much. I’m at a loss at what to do with him to help parent and guide him. Thanks for listening.
Hi Jessica! What a heart-felt reply. Sorry to take so long to reply as I’ve been traveling. Consider Jill’s advice (she’s a smart and loving professional, her advice is always worth considering). I’ll also email you with some resources that may help. ((hugs)) Hang in there mama.
Hi Jessica, this is not Amanda, but I want you know that you could hear your struggle and hurt in your comment and I was wondering if you ever thought about asking a counselor about this. A child psychologist or a clinical social worker may have some great insight and tools to offer you to help support your parenting.